Hello Spongebob, I'm Adam

Scientists in Australia have discovered that humans share about 70% of their DNA with sea sponges. I guess that explains the whole “Sponge Bob, Square Pants” thing…

I hope all of you are prepared for a zillion hurricanes to start hitting the US in the next couple months. Well, weathermen predicted that this would be one of the worst hurricane seasons ever due to global warming so the storm gods had better get cracking… they have a lot of making up to do!

Why do we even have weathermen? How often are they right? Here’s something to think about; if you had a job and you were constantly wrong, wouldn’t you start losing sleep over it at some point? Could you repeatedly give people bad information day in and day out and still have a clear conscience? Or is it possible that weathermen just realize that they are in a business like fortune telling… it is sort of a hocus pocus half science already so who gives a crap if you are wrong? They may have the least amount of stress of anybody if they can look at it like that. If you are a psychologist, you could probably make a fortune just dealing with weathermen. You could specialize in “I’m always wrong” syndrome and run a support group for them… just a thought.

Slippery Slope

Where is the oil? I just read an AP (my favorite news outlet) article about the Gulf oil spill and experts cannot find where all of the oil that has leaked out has gone. Sure, there is some oil on the shores and a little on the water, but the experts said that there was 180 million gallons of oil that spewed from the broken well. About 30 million gallons were skimmed from the water by barges and 11 million was burned up in fires. That should mean that there is about 140 million gallons that should still be floating around the Gulf of Mexico, but isn’t. Here is a thought; what if the amount of oil that escaped into the sea was exaggerated by tree hugging retards that overreact to anything that happens on the planet? You may be shaking your head feverishly saying that something like that couldn’t happen, but could it? Do you actually believe anything that you read in a newspaper or see on television anymore? Just as I suspected all along, the “disaster” isn’t as disastrous as it was made out to be… The newsmen just found a couple of birds that had some oil on them and took a few pictures to sell some copies. Let this be a lesson to all of you: never trust a newsman, they are all assholes.

Off Duty

I heard the other day that this is the warmest year on record the Earth has ever had. Unfortunately, I also heard that is the coldest winter on record for much of the southern hemisphere… Hmm.
I was driving today and saw a cop car traveling down the road. The unusual thing about this particular car is that there were two sun shades pulled down to obscure the driver and passenger windows. On the outside of the shades was the sign, “Not on duty.” So what exactly are you telling me here? If I am getting robbed and this squad car drives by, is the officer going to just ignore me? Why is there a police car driving around that is ever out of service? I remember a few years ago, police officers of a local community were lobbying to be allowed to drive their police cruiser home at night. They reasoned that the additional police presence would help prevent crime in the neighborhoods in which they lived. I tend to agree with that, but the cops can’t have their cake and eat it too. If they are going to be able to drive their cruisers home, then for as long as they are in those cruisers, they are never off duty. Now, I don’t need to see these cops going from home to work pulling over cars for going 10 miles over the speed limit, but why do you need to put out a sign telling speeders that you are off duty? Let’s let people assume that they are on duty. When I saw this cop, I was tempted to fly by him way over the speed limit and see if he was really off duty… I should have tried it out.

An open letter to Jesse Jackson

Dear Mr. Jackson,

No one gives a shit about you any more. Please stop making an ass of yourself just to try to get publicity. When the owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers criticized Lebron James for leaving the team, he made no statements or implications about the race of any individual involved in the situation, much less call James a ‘runaway slave’ as you put it. Please stop claiming that you are working for harmony between the races when, in fact, you are doing the complete opposite just to try to gain your celebrity back. Look, you were relevant at one point and you no longer are. The sooner that you admit this to yourself, the sooner we can stop paying attention to retards like yourself and actually work towards the end of all racial problems. Look, I actually don’t mind you pulling your antics; this is America and everyone has the constitutional right to act like a little pussy, but please don’t perpetrate that you are working for the good of anything. I wish that you could be man enough to just come clean about the fact that you are nothing but a whiny little bitch that wears clown shoes and expects everyone to find you important. I’m sure that Lebron James doesn’t need your help; he seems to be doing just fine on his own and as for being a slave, not many slaves had the bank account that James has. You are insulting every black American that had an ancestor that suffered through slavery by even insinuating that James’ plight is any where near the equivalent of any slave. Just stop it.

Thank you very much,
White and Black America

AP, you're the man!

Here is an AP headline on the wire today: “Fireworks to highlight July 4th celebrations.” That, ladies and gentlemen, is just a sample of the hard-hitting stories that you will find on the AP wire. Is it any wonder that the AP is one of the biggest and most prestigious news agencies in the world today? How do they do it? Is anyone else getting tired of these assholes that call themselves news agencies? Seriously, can anyone believe that this story is anything but a space filler? This leads me to ask another question; if all you are doing is filling space, isn’t there anyone out there that could do it more creatively? At least make things interesting for me… Writing a 10 paragraph story about how fireworks will be a part of the July 4th holiday, just make something up. Come up with some story like The National Enquirer used to. Make up some story about a three headed kid or something. If news agencies are worried about their credibility as reporters, they shouldn’t because as far as I’m concerned, they have none anyway. If you are the type of person that believes everything that the AP tells you, you are an idiot. I don’t believe about 75% of what I read from the AP anyway, so they may as well make what they write entertaining. To be honest with you, I trust The Onion more than I trust the AP. I guess the bottom line is this; bullshit me all you want, just make it funny. Oh, by the way, I heard that there were some July 4th cookouts where people might be drinking some beer; you had better send a reporter.

Check out our guns!

The Supreme Court ruled today that the Chicago law banning all handguns is unconstitutional. The Court said that the ban went too far by not allowing citizens to have a weapon for self defense in their home. That is all fine and good, but doesn’t anyone else realize the problem with all of this? The problem is this; the constitution allows the right to bear arms not for the reason of self defense, but rather as weapons that could be potentially be used against the government in the case of the government overstepping its boundaries. How many times have you heard the idiot that whines about people owning assault rifles? “What do you need an assault rifle for? You don’t use an AK-47 for hunting; you only use it for killing people.” That’s right, that is what an assault rifle is for, killing people. When the government starts screwing up, it is the duty of an American Citizen to rise up and destroy the oppressive government. Now, most people feel as though they are better off living in the current United States than starting a rebellion and possibly getting killed in the process, but that is what the second amendment is for, not self defense. My stance is this; as long as you are not a felon, have as many guns of any type that you want. I don’t care. To all of you gun proponents; stop screwing up the argument by bringing in the self defense angle. If you allow that to enter your argument, people will refute your position. The second amendment allows you to have guns for one reason; shooting government oppression right between the eyes.

Justice??

On April 1st of this year, 9-year-old Chase Brubaker was killed on the Disney property when his bicycle veered off of the sidewalk and into the wheels of a Disney bus. After a month long investigation, the driver of the bus was cleared of any wrong doing and allowed to return to work. The Florida Highway Patrol says that the boy’s bike had flat tires before the accident and that is what caused him to go out of control and into the side of the bus. Believe me, I have two kids myself and would never wish losing a child on anyone, but here is where my problem begins. The parents of the boy say that they believe that Chase was a safe child and that he was even wearing a helmet. They claim that he would not have hit the bus and that Disney is at fault. This is the ultimate example of parents not admitting that their child can do any wrong. Let’s face it; kids make mistakes, that’s what makes them kids. These mistakes are what parents should be using to teach their children about life. The worst mistake a parent can make is to enable their kid’s bad behavior and thus not allow them to learn any lessons. I have a feeling that if parents were a little more into actually parenting their children rather than making excuses for them, the world would be a much better place. It is very unfortunate for this particular family that Chase will not be able to learn from his mistake, but the principals remain the same; your child made a mistake. I understand that the parents are under a giant amount of stress and pain and I can’t really hold them responsible for all of their comments, but their attorney is another matter. After the report came out, the family’s attorney commented “Chase’s parents are devastated and they will be pursuing justice against Disney.” Is there anyway that I can hire Jay-Z or someone to cap this idiot? What kind of stupid comment is that? If you are just looking for money, then just say so, quit acting like you are “looking for justice.” Karen Terry, the attorney, is an embarrassment to the human race. I hope you fucking die and burn in hell for all eternity.

Speed Date Night

As anyone who knows me is aware, I am all about being cutting edge. My latest idea is no different. I have come up with a plan that combines two modern ideas into one. As depicted in flaming turd of a movie known as “Date Night,” many married couples are devoting one night a week to going out on a date. These couples believe that this will help them keep their relationship fresh and prevent one another from taking each other for granted. The other ingredient to my plan is another modern scheme known as “speed dating.” “Speed dating” is where a large group of men and women couple off with each other for 5 minutes or so to talk. When the 5 minutes are up, the couples switch partners for the next 5 minutes and so on in the hopes of turning dating into a numbers game. One figures that the more of the opposite sex that you talk to, the more likely you are to meet that special someone. My plan is to combine these two ideas into one better idea. I would like to institute the “speed date night” with my wife. Here’s how it works; Step 1: on every Tuesday night, my wife talks to me for 5 minutes (preferably during a commercial) and when the 5 minutes are up, I move on to no one. My wife and I are after all married and I have no desire to “speed date” any other woman as I love her very much. Actually, that’s it, there is no second step. I would like to institute this with married couples all over the country. I ran this idea by my wife, but she didn’t have much to say and then just laughed. Keep in mind, Einstein was met with skepticism at first as well. We’ll see…

To make a long post short...

Do me a favor everyone, stop saying, “to make a long story short.” If your goal is actually to make the story shorter, you just screwed up and added an extra 5 seconds to your long winded story. Please, just let me believe that you are going to try to make every story you tell to me as concise as possible. I’ll be the judge of when a story gets too long….
After the end of the show “Lost,” I heard about how wonderful the show was. I decided to go back and watch the series from the beginning. After the last show, I heard many people and critics express surprise that all of the people on the island were actually already dead and in purgatory or something. What the fuck were these people watching? About 90% of the dialogue is about some sort of religion and there are even characters that explain people are not on the list because they aren’t good people. How many clues do you need to let you know that this is some kind of heaven/hell scenario? I guess the relative surprise speaks to the dumbing down of the country. Remember when movies and other stories had subtle foreshadowing of the ending and people got it? Now, a character tells you that they are only taking the good people to live with them and you are surprised at the ending? I guess the art of perception is dying...

Justice has been served!

Did you hear the collective sigh of relief from the community of Tampa Bay yesterday? Thanks to some wonderful police work and the grinding wheels of the justice system, yet another tragedy (terrorist plot?) was narrowly averted. John Haring was arrested and we can all breathe a little easier knowing that this criminal is off of the streets. Haring, a 46 year old Clearwater man. committed the heinous crime of growing a few Marijuana plants for his own use for pain management. Fortunately he was caught before he could cause some serious damage. One thing that I forgot to mention was this, Haring is a quadriplegic that is using the pot that he grows for pain management rather than the harsh prescription pain medications that he has been prescribed. It's a good thing that the police are out fighting this war on drugs so that criminals like Haring can be kept off of the streets with his Stephen Hawking model wheelchair.
Ok, aren't the cops trying to find ways to cut thier budget? Is this really the crimefighting that we need to be spending money on right now? Every time someone mentions a real crime problem like border patrol or keeping tabs on molesters, someone pipes up with the old famous line; "we don't have the manpower or resources to spend on these problems." Here's an idea; how about we take the crack team of detectives that were working the Haring case and put them on some real crimes? The next time you hear some government official whining about not having enough money, take out the newspaper that has the Haring story in it, roll it up and shove it right up their goddamn ass. Also, what about the cop that found the pot? Couldn't he just have destroyed it and given Haring a verbal warning? Don't tell me that doesn't happen in other circumstances... Haven't you ever been let off of a speeding ticket? How about we mix in some common sense with law enforcement? Just an idea...

I'm Lost

I have a new favorite company name... It's "Big Ass Fans." I feel like that is something I should have come up with.

After hearing the big to do about the ending of the show "Lost," I decided to check it out. I am about 3/4 of the way through watching the first season and to be honest with you, it isn't that good. In fact, the only reason that I am continuing to watch is because of all of the people that have told me that it gets better with time. This leads me to one question; who started watching the show from the beginning? I mean if I had caught a few episodes from day 1, I would have stopped watching immediately. If someone had then said, "it's going to get better," I would have viewed that as an empty promise... I have faith that it will get better, but only because it has already been shown, otherwise, I would never have watched. I'll keep you posted...

Diff'rent Stroke

Diff’rent Strokes star Gary Coleman died yesterday due to a brain hemorrhage he suffered as a result of some kind of trauma to the head. He was 42. Although a star being cut down in the prime of his career is a tragedy in itself, the real tragedy is the moron in his family who made a statement to the press. The statement was, in a nutshell, that the family would make a statement soon about the accident that killed Coleman. Really? That’s what you have to say? A guy dies because of blunt force trauma to the head and you tell the press that you will make a statement about what happened soon? What, are you trying to keep everyone on the edge of their seat for this thrilling mystery? Just fucking tell us what happened! We don’t need every single detail there is, just tell us if he fell, hit his head on a table leaf or was pistol whipped by Todd Bridges for crack money. What possible reason could there be for keeping this information a secret if you are just going to tell us soon anyway? How’s this, shut up, no one gives a shit…

I was listening to ESPN this morning and heard about the running of the Pepsi 600 NASCAR race. Let me preface this by saying I am not a racing fan at all, but why do you need a 600 mile race instead of a 500 miler? Does something different happen in that last 100 miles? Do the turn all of the cars around at the 500 mile point and start racing clockwise around the track into oncoming stragglers? Now that would be a race to see! If NASCAR ever wanted to gain popularity back, that is how to do it. Seriously though, what are you going to prove in that last 100 miles that couldn’t be proven in the first 500? What they should really do is shorten the races. How about the Daytona 5? All of the good action happens in the last couple laps anyway. Let’s just cut to the chase (literally) and be done with it.

Carrying the rock world on his shoulders

Rock star Bono had emergency surgery on his back last week for a sudden back injury. I suspect the injury comes from trying to carry too much of the Rock world's responsibilities on his shoulders. Has Rock music ever been in such a lull since its inception? I mean, do you ever remember hoping that a Chevelle song would come on the radio? I thought maybe Alice and Chains would be our savior, but it turns out that they now just sound like a band that doesn't have a lead singer. With the passing of Ronnie James Dio, I fear that there is no one left to carry the torch. This is a call for help... If Elvis, Jim Morrison or Jimi Hendrix faked their deaths and are still around, WE NEED YOU BACK NOW!

Draw Chi Chi!

Legendary golf pro Chi Chi Rodriquez and his wife were the victims of a strong-arm robbery in which about a million dollars worth of items were stolen. Fortunately for the robbers, Rodriguez wasn’t able to draw his putter-sword from its holster and defend his honor and kill them in the act.

Speaking of morons with swords… In Spain, scientists have finally cloned a fighting bull after years of efforts. Unfortunately they were not able to clone a brain for the Matadors. Look, I’m not Mr. PETA or anything, but is there any more cruel treatment of any animals anywhere in the world? Bull fighting is nothing short of barbaric. How about we kill a couple of Spaniards that way?

Pakistan has blocked Facebook due to the “Draw Mohammed Day.” To get themselves unblocked, how about they just make it “Draw a closed minded idiot day?” Any thoughts?

To BP or not to BP

According to financial experts, the price of crude oil has dropped 20% in the past two weeks. The very same blowhard experts are now predicting for gasoline prices to drop. 20% right? Wrong! The predicted drop in gas prices is between 5%-7%... Now just wait one goddamn minute! Let me get this straight… First you assholes fuck up the Gulf of Mexico with a horrific oil spill, oil prices still drop considerably and prices barely budge? What gives? I’ve got a good idea… hows about everybody boycott BP? It’s not like they don’t deserve it anyway, so you can do it with a clean conscience. After boycotting BP for a couple of weeks, they will have to lower prices to try to get some business back. After BP lowers their prices, boycott every other gasoline company until they lower prices as well. Is there any chance of this working at all? I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to try. Repeat after me: No more BP! (until they lower prices) Nothing like a little conviction, eh?

Ridin' Dirty

Do me a favor, if you are over the age of 25 and/or have kids, take the goddamn big ass rims off of your car and put on some normal ones. I don’t know if you realize this or not, but I use your rims that cost more than your car to identify the assholes on the road. What exactly are you trying to prove with your spinners that cost $5,000 carting your metallic green Buick LaSabre around? Look, if you are a 22 year old kid, you’re supposed to be acting like an asshole, more power to you, but if you are a parent, please stop teaching your kids to be morons as well… Actually, maybe I do kind of like the rims. They are like a neon sign that reads: “I’m about to cut you off.” On second thought, leave them on…

In Yahoo’s odd news there is a study that shows that the touch of a woman can cause you to be persuaded and change your behavior… No shit! What moron decided that this was a study worthy topic? Can’t you just look at empirical evidence through the annals of time and figure this out on your own? In fact, I’d say that a woman’s touch is the only thing that affects men’s behavior… Think about it.

In Pennsylvania, the ACLU is fighting for citizen’s rights to use profanity, let’s hope for my sake that they win…

Have you heard about the Muslim group that wants to put a Mosque at the site of the World Trade Center? I have a good idea too. How about we erect a giant statue of a Swastika in a Jewish neighborhood in Warsaw? How about that? Are you kidding me? A Mosque at ground zero? Okay, I realize that not all Muslims are evil, in fact most of them aren't, but does this sound like a good idea to anyone? I'm sure that the Muslim group was trying to help by showing that they are as appalled as anyone about 9/11, but I don't think this is the right way to go about it. You see, in the sensitivity training that is now madatory for all Americans, they teach you that it isn't important what your intentions are, but how your actions will be recieved by other groups. For instance; calling a bunch of terrible black students terrible may be intended by you to light a fire under their asses and get them to achieve higher standards, but the black students will take it as an insult to their intelligence and call it racist. I actually do have a better idea for what should be put at ground zero. American Indians have suffered horrible trasgressions at the hands of the round eyes throughout American History and yet they continue on as a people. They have tried to educate themselves and prosper by constructing infrastructure that will help their people for decades to come. We should take a page out of their book and do the same: build a casino.

Be all you can BP

Over the weekend BP tried to stop the leaking oil in The Gulf of Mexico by lowering a dome down onto the well in hopes of collecting the oil and stopping the spillage. It didn’t work because of ice crystals forming on the apparatus. Fine, I understand that there may have been some unforeseen problems with the dome, but what took it so goddamn long to find this out? The oil rig explosion happened nearly two weeks ago, what took them so long to get the dome there in the first place? I’ve seen glaciers move faster. Why wasn’t the Army or National Guard called in to transport this dome quicker? Doesn’t the destruction of about a quarter of the shoreline count as a national issue? Here is how it should have gone: rig blows up, BP calls the President, the President calls the Army and the Army figures out a way to get this dome in place in 48 hours or less. Whether the Army has to take the dome apart and transport it on cargo planes or they put it on some big ass ship the moves fast, you order them to get the job done. Regardless of how you feel about our giant military, the bottom line is this; they get shit done. They take orders and the get shit done. If this had been put in the Army’s hands, this would have been over for a week already and we could have been tallying up the bill that BP should receive. Someone please tell me that they are paying for this, right?

Closer to Drunk

Don’t know how many people watch “The Office.” I think it is a pretty good show, not necessarily because it is funny, but because of the characters. What guy can’t identify with Jim Halpert at some point in his life? Jilted by a woman and running from your feelings, the good guy eventually prevails. In a recent re-run I watched, Jim and Andy sing a drunken version of “Closer to Fine” from the Indigo Girls. Who would have thought that two women of questionable orientation would provide such a perfect anthem for the lost souls? I have to wonder who on the staff of the writing team suggested a song that was never especially popular and is way out of date for this episode. I guess this particular writer has felt along the same lines as I have, for after all, the less I seek my source (answers) the closer I am to fine. I remember when I got to see the Indigo Girls for free one night in Tallahassee. I walked into the theater and took my seat and the first song they played was “Closer to Fine.” Big mistake. I bolted as the last note of the song was still ringing. How is it that a couple of mediocre musicians and songwriters can come up with such a great song? Oh well, I guess I can replace the video in my head of the two broad shouldered chicks singing it with Jim Halpert falling over drunk mumbling it out.

Full Housed

I was watching TV with my 10 year old daughter the other day. She had on Nickelodeon and the network was showing some re-runs of the sitcom “Full House.” Apparently, our senses of humor have evolved greatly in the past couple of decades. Believe me; I am used to my daughter watching shows that are very basic and not very funny. That is what she is supposed to be watching at age 10. Some of these shows like “Drake and Josh” and the like were made for pre-teens and were designed for non-sophisticated senses of humor. “Full House” can’t use this excuse. It was on in prime time on a major network and got relatively good ratings. The only reason that I can even fathom that this show was successful was the fact that it was on pre-cable or at least pre-cable as we know it today. Remember when there were only 3 or 4 channels that your TV could even get? On top of that, in order to change the channel, you had to get up and walk up to the TV and manually turn a dial. Usually, you had to mess with the antenna to try to get good reception of the new channel. I’m guessing that the only reason some of these shows ever made it past the first episode was this lack of choice. Watch an episode one time, I dare you…

In Philadelphia this week, a 17 year old kid that ran onto the local MLB team’s field was hit by a taser shock in order to get him off of the field. Of course the pussy-ass sissies of the world are up in arms about excessive use of force by law enforcement. What else is new, these fags never pass up a chance to whine about anything. I do agree with them that a taser should not have been used, by all means, they should have gone Rodney King on this punk and beat the piss out of him with some night sticks. I guess that is what they want to have happened. To all of you whiners that complain about the police using tasers, you are right; the cops should go back to shooting people more often. If you are a threat to another person or the police, I ask the cops just to skip the taser and move directly to the 9mm. Look, I am as distrusting of the cops as the next guy, but if they are going to take so much heat for using tasers, they might as well just be shooting to kill. And to the people that would try to make this a racial issue, blow me… I love the guys that start to yell about racism when no mention of color or ethnicity was ever mentioned. What, you have a guilty conscience? And another thing… How about you don’t get so goddamn fat that your heart can’t take a tasering? I bet about 95% of the people that go into cardiac arrest from a taser are 50lbs overweight and their heart is taxed to the limit anyway from carting their fat ass around. It’s called a salad tubby!

Gay Spray

Researchers at the Journal of Neuroscience have found a nasal spray that will make males as empathetic as women. You see, the spray contains the hormone oxytocin which apparently is the hormone that triggers women’s brains to understand and feel what other people are thinking. I guess you just spray this stuff up your nose and for the next two hours, a male can be as sensitive as any female ever was. Look, I think it is great that they are trying to make men more feminine, but why go to all of this trouble? Just have a guy throw on some Capri pants and he will be much more feminine and hopefully a little more sensitive.

On CNN.com today, I read a story entitled “How We Became White.” Don’t bother reading it, I know how we became white… pretending like we like jazz.

Los Angeles Deputy Police Chief Mike Downing reported that a suspect escaped from a home raid “Jason Bourne” style. The suspect jumped out of a second story window and fled from police. Well, Mr. Downing, being the head of the Counter Terrorism Bureau, hows about you catch that fucker “Jack Bauer” style?

Does anyone else think that it is weird that the spell check on Word is cool with “Jason Bourne” and “Jack Bauer”?

Thank God for Global Warming!

This week, the north east part of the country experienced freezing temperatures and over 20 inches of snow in some parts. I wonder how bad it would have been if it wasn't for global warming? Would 40 inches of snow had fallen? Fortunately, I heard a report that global warming scientists were able to get their data collecting thermometers out of the area before they froze with one scientist reported as saying, "we don't like to leave these babies in weather that is too cold, they might freeze." The thermometers were moved to a warmer area, like Haiti, so as to not get too cold.

Jew-Fro

Astronomers have definitively found water ice on some of the bigger asteroids between Mars and Jupiter. Bring Scotch.

When was the last time you heard about a tourniquet? It seems like they were you’re first line of first aid 20 to 25 years ago and now, I feel like they aren’t really around anymore. Does anyone know why? Have medical professionals decided that they do more harm than good?

Jerry Seinfeld’s wife (who cares what her name is) has been thwarted at her attempt to publish a cookbook that gave tips on how to slip vegetables into your kid’s food without them knowing about it… How about she write a book about how to cut your husband’s jew-fro without him knowing about it?

Hawking a Voice

President Obama was in West Virginia today to eulogize the 29 miners that were killed in the coal mine explosion and burial. Really? Does the President need to take time out of his job and fly himself to West Virginia with his entire Secret Service detail to say a few words at this funeral? Come on, thousands of people die every day in accidents around the country and many of them are while doing things that are relatively safe. Once you become a miner, don’t expect to be killed in an accident one day? What are the odds of you actually completing a career in mining and retiring with a pension from the mining company? About 1 in a 100? It probably cost a small fortune to transport the President there for some guys that were going to be killed in a mining accident eventually anyway. Let’s give it a rest…

Physicist Stephen Hawking announced that it would probably not be good for us to meet higher life forms. He compared what meeting E.T.’s would be like with the American Indians meeting European voyagers during the colonization of America. I’ve got one question for Hawking, what’s up with that voice box that sounds like the robot on Lost in Space? Come on already, I know for a fact that voice generation technology has advanced beyond that level. If you’re actually some big, important scientist, wouldn’t you have upgraded the technology in your computer? Not only could you make the voice sound more life-like, I bet you could probably customize it to sound like anyone you wanted. How about getting one that sounds like James Earl Jones when he is doing the voice for Darth Vader? Or Jack Bauer’s voice from 24? I bet you’d get a little more respect when you start barking out theories in Kiefer Sutherland’s voice. Maybe you could change voices to fit the situation. Maybe if your giving a lecture at Grambling, you could break of a little something ala Snoop Dogg. Or if you teach a class in Japan, you could do the voice of the neighbor in Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Just an idea, maybe when you take a break from thinking about black holes, you could give it some thought.

Archie!!

The radical Islamic group known as Revolution Muslim has made some threats toward the creators of the cartoon South Park. It seems that on a South Park episode, the Muslim prophet Mohamid (I don’t care if it is spelled right) is depicted as a character which in the Islamic religion is considered blasphemous. The group then warned the show’s staff that they could end up being killed for this. Why don’t we start arresting some of these idiots? Isn’t this hate speech? Isn’t this assault? Don’t people get locked up for less? I have nothing against Islam; I don’t care what religion anyone practices, but when the retarded, radical extremists start making threats, its time to do something about it.

Former Poison front man, Bret Michaels had some kind of brain hemorrhage the other day… Since I always considered Poison’s songs a major cause of personal brain injury, what comes around goes around. Am I too soon with this?

So, Kevin Keeler is the new addition to the Archie comic book. What is unusual about this is that Mr. Keeler is an openly gay character. I guess no one should be surprised since anyone that is older than six that reads Archie is admitting that he is gay. The only real surprise about this story is that Archie is still in print? Who the hell reads Archie anymore?

IR Ass

Sherry Lynn Vertoch was sentenced in California for impersonating a Federal Agent and racking up a $55,000 bill at a hotel. She reportedly told the hotel managers that she was an IRS agent and implied that if she was not allowed to stay at the hotel that there might be tax implications for the owners. To be honest with you, I have no idea where to start with this one… Do I comment on the fact that the hotel staff is so absolutely terrified of the IRS that they allowed this woman to run up this enormous bill? Is it OK for people to be this terrorized by their own government that fear would drive them to be this stupid? The perpetrator was forced to pay back the money that she extorted from the hotel. What about the money that the IRS extorts from citizens every day? I’m sure their crimes by far outrank those of Vertoch’s by far. The income tax audit and the threat of it has been used as a weapon by the government since the days of Al Capone. Until the income tax has been done away with and replaced by a usage tax, the government will continue to wield their weapon with reckless abandon. Unfortunately, Obama’s spending will make sure that the income tax is here to stay.

WTF part 10568

I was reading a story about a guy in California who murdered a couple of young girls recently. Police made a deal with him; he would show them where the remains of one of the girls were and the police agreed not to use that information in court against him. Now, he did plead guilty to the two murders and will spend the rest of his life in jail with no chance for parole, but he won’t be facing the death penalty. My question is this; why didn’t the district attorney just make a fake deal with the guy and then go ahead and use the information anyway? I understand that the criminal has a lawyer and whoever perpetrated the lie would probably be charged with contempt or something, but who cares? What jury is going to convict you for that crime? Break your agreement! Lie to him! And to all of you bleeding heart, liberal pussies that are going to try to tell us that “that makes us no better than the criminals that we are trying to prosecute’” your wrong. It does make us better, we didn’t kill anyone. Believe me, if it was me that had to lie to this animal in order to get a conviction, I could do so with a clear conscience and go home and sleep like a baby that night. In fact, I would celebrate with a few glasses of champagne on the day his was executed, take a shit on his grave the second he was in the ground and pray that I had the worst diarrhea of my life. Believe me, I am all for protecting the constitution in that criminals have rights and everyone is innocent until proven guilty, but when you lead police to a corpse, you have proven yourself guilty. You now have forfeited your rights as an American citizen. I guess all I can do now is pray that some big biker sticks a toothbrush that’s been fashioned into a weapon into his lung. Please, someone who is already in jail for life, kill this idiot and regain a shred of your own dignity. Do what the government in incapable of and mete out some justice.

In the Zona

GE made over $10 Billion this year and paid $0 in income tax to the U.S. Why? You see, GE made the money in other countries. Why? The U.S. is simply not a company friendly zone. Unions, taxes and other governmental controls have forced numerous companies to other countries. The next time someone tells you that we should tax big corporations more to pay for Obama’s spending, punch them right in the goddamn nuts as hard as you can…

Arizona is about to pass a new state law allowing state and local police to deal with illegal immigrants. The opposition opposes it saying that all “non-whites” will be new targets of racial profiling. Are these morons that fucking dumb? What does “non-whites” mean to them? I promise you, no one will be after any Asians or blacks with this law. Sneaking across the border is a crime, why can’t we treat it as such? The next time a cop pulls me over for a speeding ticket; can I cry and whine that it would be unfair for him to enforce the law? I’ll give it a try.

New Poll

I have a new poll on the site. If you get a chance, let me know what you think... In the last poll, it was clear that all of you think global warming is a hoax. Thanks for voting.

The Retarded Gene

I had to laugh my ass off this morning. There was an article in the newspaper about an Eagle’s nest that fell to the ground yesterday and killed one baby Eagle and injured another. I am praying that the injured one dies as well. Think I hate animals? Think again. The story explained that the nest fell because it was unstable and not able to support the weight of the Eagle family that roosted there. The interesting detail that was glossed over until the very end of the story: about a week ago, some retards from the Audobon Society had taken another Eagle baby that had been found elsewhere and had put it into the nest in the hopes that it would be adopted by the Eagles living there. When are these idiots going to realize that they do much more harm to nature than good when they interfere with things like this? So here I sit, praying for the death of this other Eagle so that perhaps, finally, people will keep there noses in their own business. Has anyone ever heard of natural selection? Maybe the other Eagle fell out of its nest because it was the weakest of the species and Mother Nature didn’t want the “weak” gene being passed down into other generations. It reminds me of when sandal wearing dorks try to push beached whales back into the sea. Has anyone ever thought that maybe there is a reason whales beach themselves? What if they have some kind of disease or something that they don’t want to spread to other whales? Maybe it is just Mother Nature’s way of eliminating the “bad navigation” gene from the species and by pushing the whale back into the sea, you are reintroducing this gene back into the species. Several generations from now, every whale may have this disability and the species will be eliminated entirely. You must realize that these people only do these things for their own self image, right? Just do me a favor, keep texting while you drive your car, Mother Nature may help eliminate your “retarded” gene from our species.

Americonia

What I can’t figure out is why the United States doesn’t get on Russia a little more than we do. Just because the USSR lost a few states to revolution and changed their name to Russia, doesn’t mean that these people aren’t largely responsible for most of the communist regimes in the world today. Take a look at China, would they be the communist threat to us that they are today if the Soviet Union had never existed? I doubt it. Instead of harping over bygones though, why don’t we pull something similar? Since our national debt is an unimaginable number at this point, why don’t we use this method to get out of it? Here’s the plan: we ditch a couple of states or territories that aren’t real important to us, I suggest Guam and Arkansas or something, and then change our name to something like Americonia and tell everyone that we are a different country. Any one that we owe money to; will just have to suck an egg. I think it is a very simple and plausible plan if you ask me. Maybe if there was someway we could frame Canada and make them pay our bills, we won’t have to go through all of this paperwork, but until someone comes up with that plan, I think this one is best.

How Many Polacks...

Question: How many Polacks does it take to land a passenger jet on a foggy runway?
Answer: Apparently more than were on the plane that crashed is western Russia yesterday.

The FDA has issued a warning that the chemical triclosan which is an antibacterial agent found in a growing number of liquid soaps, hand sanitizers and dish washing liquids. It seems that studies have shown that triclosan may disrupt the body’s endocrine system and help create antibiotic resistant bacteria. For all of you people that coat yourselves in hand sanitizer and spend hours each day washing your hands, this is God’s way of punishing you. By screwing with your endocrine system, God is going to make you pay by getting fat. I never really put it together before, but do fat people have cleaner hands? By the way, there is absolutely no evidence that antibacterial soaps have any benefit whatsoever. You’re making yourself sick for no reason by washing your hands too much…

Ocho

A couple of days ago, the governor of The Commonwealth of Virginia declared April to be Confederacy month. First off, I don’t give a damn if Virginia likes it or not, drop this “Commonwealth” bullshit already. You are a goddamn state you morons. Quit being elitists. Anyway, everyone was up in arms that when Governor McDonnel made the declaration, he didn’t also condemn slavery. Ok, I’ve had it. Look, slavery was an unfair and terrible thing that happened in our country a couple hundred of years ago, but do we need to keep harping on it now? Drop it already. On both sides. First, declaring a Confederacy month is kind of like having a “Nazi” celebration in Germany. The other side isn’t much better, haven’t they ever been taught that if you ignore morons, they will eventually go away? What is with all of this hate and vitriol? Both of you, knock it off and grow up! I’m tired of reading about both of your retarded groups always acting up and making spectacles about yourselves. You remind me of two five year olds in the back seat of a station wagon whining like a couple of little bitches that “he started it!” Meanwhile, I’m going to keep my eyes on the road and turn the radio up so that I can’t hear either of you and take a big swig of my Schlitz tallboy; the fifth out of my six-pack. If you don’t stop soon, I’m turning this car around…

Hey (read Harry Carey), what if Chap Ocho Sinco were to be traded to a team where someone already had the number 85? Would he have to change in name again to something like Ocho Quatro? Also, what if someone changes his last name to “RodgerGoddellSucksAss?” Would he be allowed to wear that on the back of his uniform? On a more serious note, why hasn’t Nike paid someone to change his last name to “Nike?” It seems like a slam-dunk. I can’t imagine that it is far off when you’ll see Peyton Reebok throwing touchdown passes to Reggie Gatorade…

Doin' the Deuce

Screech fans unite! Reports are that Dustin Diamond, who played the character known as Screech on the series Saved by the Bell, is getting his house foreclosed on for not paying his mortgage. Diamond has been in financial trouble before and has appealed to his fans to help him out financially. Fans? This guy has fans? As I recall, Saved by the Bell was one of the crappiest shows on television of all time and Diamond was the worst of the bad actors on it! This guy had absolutely no talent whatsoever and here is how I know that I’m right; he hasn’t gotten a job since. Here is the only measure of how good an actor you are; you get jobs after you have had your first big job. That’s it. That’s the only measure. If you get jobs after you’ve been on a major show, you are a good actor. If you don’t get any jobs, you suck. I can say this with certainty, Dustin Diamond sucks. I know that you may have fond memories of him, but don’t be fooled. The reason you do think well of him is simply because he might be a part of your past. It’s like if you go to visit your old house that you grew up in 20 years later, even if you thought it was a great house, you realize that is sucks. Remember how great the movie Star Wars was when you were 13? When you watch it now, you realize that it is a kid’s movie with a simplistic plot. Don’t let nostalgia make you think that Diamond was anything but a shitty actor that somehow lucked into one job and hasn’t made one goddamn cent in the business since. Why am I hearing about this on CNN? Go away Diamond, if you promise to leave us alone, we promise to leave you alone. Oh wait, we already have.

After hearing about airlines that are going to charge people $20-$45 for a carry on, there are reports of the airlines considering charging people to use the restroom on the plane. I don’t fly like I used to, but if I do fly, who says that I need to use the restroom? I don’t see any problem at all with bringing on a gallon jug to relieve myself if I need to take a whiz, for free. I am sure it won’t be long until some drunk guy without any pocket change drops a deuce in the seat next to his. How much does it cost to carry on my own toilet paper?

Jesus Shakes Things Up!

Earthquakes in California on Easter? I wonder if that is some sort of sign or something. I mean, we all know that California is going to hell in a hand basket; maybe Jesus decided today would be the day to rock the boat over there. Maybe it isn’t such a bad plan.

If we eat turkey dinners on Thanksgiving, why don’t we eat rabbit on Easter? Seems like a slam dunk, doesn’t it? I basically only eat turkey one day a year; why not eat rabbit on one day as well? I still can’t figure out how rabbits lay eggs for coloring…

I just added a feed on this blog site. The feed is headlines from The Onion which is one of my favorite websites. I kind of think of the work they do at The Onion very similar to what Weird Al Yankovic does with music only with newspapers instead… Read up!

Working Overtime

In Tarpon Springs, Florida, there was a shooting at a Publix food store. It seems that a woman that had just been fired returned with a 9mm gun and went Jack Bauer on a former co-worker. The story unfolds like this; the co-worker that was killed had indicated to the shooter that he was going to report the woman for a breach of company policy. The woman told the would be dime-dropper that if he did report her and get her fired that she would kill him. The victim in question made the report to his superiors, got the woman fired and eventually was shot and killed. Now, when I originally heard the story, I was upset that any person would come back to the store and use a gun to kill someone just because he reported her doing misdeeds at the store. I thought to myself, “what a tragedy, I wonder what he was going to report her for? Stealing? Rudeness to customers?” I really felt for this victim of this shooting. Imagine getting killed just because you reported a criminal to you managers! I then found out what was so important that he had to report to his boss. You see, the woman had been committing the horrifying offense of… working off of the clock. Yep, that’s right; she was too dedicated to her job. She cared too much about her work. Let’s see if I have this straight, an employee is so dedicated to her work that she wanted to get something done properly and didn’t feel as if her employer should pay for her time. This jackass co-worker of hers then decides to brown-nose a little bit and report her for giving up her personal time to help out her employer. Publix then fires her; I’m not so much upset with Publix because let’s face it, Publix is worried about liability. It just would have been nice for the manager to give her a little warning instead of canning her. I mean, don’t you want employees like this? People that are exceedingly loyal to your company? Let me tell you something; I’m not happy this rat-fink mother fucker is dead, but I do think he deserved a solid ass-kicking. I think that it is a shame that the woman that did the shooting wasn’t a good sized dude that returned and beat the piss out of this little puss instead of killing him dead, but I ultimately think he deserved it. The lesson to be learned here: mind your own fucking business. If someone is stealing or causing harm, you can report them. If someone is working off of the clock, shut the fuck up and keep your eyes on your own work. My number one question is; when does this woman get out of jail? I need a good employee, and I promise, I won’t fire you for working for free.

April Fool's

I am not sure if other people experience the same thing as I. On the first of April, I have to add a "no, this isn't a joke" to just about everything I say and do. Perhaps it's because of my past transgressions in jokery. It has come to the point now that the best joke that I can play on the people that I know is not to call them at all with some story about my being in jail or something. I envision most of the people that I know thinking about how they are going to reply to my call. My best one ever is still the time I set all of the clocks in the house forward by half an hour and my wife showed up at work a half an hour early. I don't know that I will ever top that one, but I'm going to try soon.

I heard about the announcement that Ricky Martin made finally admitting that he is a homosexual. In related news, Shaquille O'neal made an announcement that he is tall. I guess the burden of that secret had been eating away at him for years. Seriously, did anyone ever doubt that Ricky Martin is gay? Maybe women were fooled, I don't know of any male that was.

Woody Allen sucks ass!

I was listening to an interview with a Hollywood filmmaker named Joe Simon that had worked with Woody Allen on a couple of occasions. Simon was telling the interviewer that Woody Allen was an unfriendly and arrogant jerk. They decided between them that Allen was arrogant because he was such a good comedic actor and made great movies. This success, they reasoned, made him forget his manners. Have any of you ever seen any Woody Allen films? As an actor, he is a pathetic, sniveling little puss and as a writer/director he is an unfunny moron that creates steaming piles of shit. He sucks and his movies suck, all of them. If I want to watch a bespectacled little dork act like an anal retentive queer, I’ll pop in my Beta Max tapes of Charles Nelson Reilly competing on the Match Game or Hollywood squares. Woody Allen has nothing to be arrogant about except for the fact that he somehow pulled the wool over everybody’s eyes and somehow conned them into going to see his shitty movies. On top of all of this, he had a tryst with his adopted daughter and ended up marrying her. Woody Allen is a megalomaniac jerk that I can’t wait to be claimed by cancer or AIDS or something. The sooner that idiot is in the ground, the better and the minute he is, I would love to be the first to piss on his grave. May you burn in hell for the scourge of crappy humor that you have cursed the world with Mr. Allen, may you burn in hell…

Infamously Famous

One of the best experiences of my life is the night my son and I spent listening to internet music. It was less about father and son and more about guitar player to guitar player. My wife yelled out every 35 minutes to see if we were “going to bed.” Glad he’s my son. He’s pretty cool.

Why do all motorcycle riders say “hello” to each other? Have you seen this? Every time a motorcycle passes another motorcycle, they put that “low five” down to each other. Why? Do I wave at every other car driver when I go by them? Does a Harley rider wave at a Gold Wing driver? Where do we draw the line? I don’t consider you a motorcycle driver unless you have a Harley…

Hey, with friends like the US government, who needs enemies? What good does the health care bill do? Does it help anyone?

What is the difference between the words “famous” and “infamous”? Is it just that “infamous” sounds more ominous? I thought the prefix “in” was supposed to make the word mean the opposite like “humane” and “inhumane”, not just make it a weird sounding synonym. Is anyone else confused by this? Anyway, even if being “infamous” carries a bad connotation to it, didn’t someone once say, “there is no such thing as bad publicity?” If I were to ever be famous, I would demand that people call me infamous and for them to refer to my house as my “lair”. It would certainly be easier to cook up some diabolical plots in a lair than in a house…

Carwinism

All the talk in my area and many areas around the country is making texting on your mobile device illegal while driving. Of course sending text messages while driving is ridiculously dangerous and should be outlawed for the safety of others, but isn’t there a way that we can let the process of natural selection do it’s work without endangering others? If only there was a way for the people that are doing the texting to get into a major car accident and only hurt or kill themselves? That is probably one of the major problems with society today; we’ve attempted to take survival of the fittest out of the equation. Let me give you an example; there are now warning labels on just about everything. For instance, pools that have shallow water now have signs all over them warning people not to dive in and break their necks. You might think that this is a good thing in that it could help prevent injuries and deaths, wrong! The thing is, most smart people realize that you should not dive into a pool that you don’t know how deep it is. Only a semi-retarded moron would just go diving into a pool that he wasn’t familiar with. Back in the good ole’ days, the idiots that dove into shallow water killed themselves before they could procreate and thereby ending the cycle of dumb asses cold in its tracks. A good illustration of this fact is Leonardo da Vinci. Back in an era where the average lifespan of a man was somewhere in the neighborhood of 40, Leonardo lived into his 70’s. The reason the average lifespan was so low is that morons usually died early and smart people lived to swim another day. The point I am trying to make is that anyone that sends text messages while driving is obviously someone that we do not want having kids. The only problem with allowing them to text their way into oblivion is that there is a chance that they might hit one of the smart people’s cars and injure or kill them so we are going to have to figure out another way to let Darwinism run its course. Maybe we could get some plastic bags that don’t have the “this is not a toy” warning on them and let them play. Just a thought…

Today I saw a woman driving while on her cell phone. She was going about 10 miles an hour on a 40 mile per hour stretch of road. She was completely oblivious to anything around her and talking away without a care in the world. Why don’t we make the driver’s test consist of a portion of driving while talking on a phone? If you pass, you get a sticker that you put on your license plate that indicates to police that you have been approved to drive with a phone. If you fail, you get a different sticker that shows that you are not allowed to phone while driving. Problem solved. Why is it so hard for people to see the easiest solutions? If you are caught talking while driving without the proper permit, you get a ticket and your phone is confiscated and destroyed so that maybe the hassle of having to get a new phone will make you think twice before breaking the law again…

Hey, reader Bob, is this better? Hope you’re happy, I think I am going to offend a few people here. The last thing I have ever wanted to do is to offend people…

A to Z (or whatever the English call it)

In some earlier posts, I implored some of you not to make fools of yourselves and engage in the folly of NCAA bracket picking. Well, I now know that I can make one exception. There is a 17 year old boy that lives in Chicago who I will allow the indulgence of making his picks. Of the 48 games that have been played so far, he has 48 correct picks. That’s right; he has a perfect bracket so far… perfect! The 17 year old autistic boy says that he is good with “stats and stuff.” I guess so. By the way, he has Purdue to win it all. I wonder how many “friends” this kid has made with guys with bent noses since his publicity?

I heard a story on FOX news today that some San Francisco area restaurants are charging a “health insurance” surcharge on customer’s bills to cover the cost of the mandatory health insurance that they must provide their employees. Other restaurants are just raising menu prices. I’m not sure when people and the government are going realize that no company or corporation has ever paid a tax. When you make the company pay more, they raise prices and pass the expense on to the customers. The old “let’s tax the big corporations” idea is a croc. This San Fran example is just a lesson that I’m afraid no one will ever learn. It’s simple; tax or charge a business and they pass the expense on to the customers…

On vertical blinds in your house, you know how there is a draw string that raises and lowers the blinds? I feel like that I have NEVER grabbed the right string the first time. I always grab the wrong one and have to switch. Doesn’t the law of averages say something about this? Why have I never grabbed the right string, even once? If you ask me, I think the things are rigged…

What do the English have against the letter Z? Its “organized” not “organised.” I don’t know why they can’t see that.

ABC sells widgets

Let me ask you something… If a widget is a small computer application, what do business schools use as a fictional product for a company to sell? I can see a lot of “who’s on first” routines going on. “Let’s say that ABC company sells 1,000 widgets in their first month of business.” “Oh, so they are a software company?” “No, not necessarily, they sell widgets.” “Yes, that’s what I thought. They write software.” This circular conversation could go on for a while until either the crotchety old professor realized that now a widget is an actual thing or until the young student realized that a widget is a fictional, generic item that old crotchety professors use to symbolize a random product. The generational gap could really cause some confusion here.

So, how is everybody’s NCAA brackets looking? Well, I’m sure everybody’s fake bracket is doing great (sure, I picked Kansas to lose too!) Again, just crumple them up and throw them away, no one cares who you picked…

Bike lane, not bike line!

Nationally syndicated sports broadcaster Tony Kornheiser and world famous cyclist Lance Armstrong have a feud. Have you heard about it? First, Kornheiser said on his radio program that most cyclists that you encounter on the roadways attempt to cause close calls between themselves and cars and then get mad when your car gets to close to them. Armstrong replied by calling Kornheiser’s opinion ridiculous and called Kornheiser a moron and ignorant. Well guess what, this is where I draw the line. You see, up until now, in this politically correct age, all you have to do to discredit someone is to pull out the “ignorant” word. You just have to call someone ignorant and the villagers gather with the torches and pitchforks. Somehow, some way, the word ignorant has become synonymous to wrong. You can be ignorant and not be wrong. Just because I don’t know everything about global warming, I’m not necessarily wrong by looking into the scientific results more closely before I make a judgment. In Kornheiser’s case, he doesn’t need to know all about cycling to be right about the idiots that ride on the roads like drunks on their bikes and conversely, just because Lance Armstrong won a few bike races, doesn’t make him right. Look, I am all for people using their bicycles for transportation. Biking keeps you in shape, saves money and doesn’t cause global warming (?!), so I’m all for it. I am also all for the fact that cyclists have the right to ride on the road without the fear of being hit by a car. If you come up behind someone on a bicycle, you should exercise care when passing them. I live in Florida. I’m not sure what the rest of the country is like, but in Florida, on many of our larger roads, we have a specific lane for bikes. This lane is about 3 feet wide and is all the way to the right of the roadway. Nine times out of ten, you will see a bicyclist riding on the line that divides the bike lane from the car lane rather than in the middle of the lane itself. When you drive a car on a road with 2 lanes going in one direction, do you drive on the line? No! You drive in the lane. Then when you go by the rider, you end up being too close to them for comfort and they usually give you a dirty look. Look, the government paid a lot of money to put bike lanes in, USE THEM! If there is no bike lane, fine, use the road. If there is, stay off the road. Simple. Kornheiser by a TKO.

Hot and Spicy?

Who invented the Po’ Boy sandwich and what the hell were they thinking? Have you ever eaten a Po’ Boy? Did you vomit immediately after getting it? I don’t give a shit how “Po’” I get, I will never, ever resort to eating one of these culinary disasters…

While on the topic of food, have you ever gotten the chicken from a Chinese restaurant known as the General Tso’s Hot and Spicy Chicken? The very first thing I noticed about this dish is that it is neither hot nor spicy. Has General Tso ever been held accountable for putting his name on this fraud of a dish? Let me tell you this; if I ever run into General Tso on the street, I’m going to give him a piece of my mind. Does he think that I won’t complain to my waiter because he can barely speak English? By the way, I’m betting that the waiters in a Chinese joint speak better English than they let on. They use it as an excuse to not have to answer questions about the food. I’ve got news for you General Tso, I’m not going to put up with it anymore…

To all the people that used St. Patrick’s day as an excuse to get drunk and act like an idiot: You are all a bunch of idiots. Back when I was a little younger, I never needed an excuse the get drunk and act stupid, just ask anyone who knew me…

March Foolishness

It is that time of year again. The NCAA basketball season is winding up and March Madness has arrived. It is time for every retard in America to fill out his bracket. Why is that every moron on this side of the moon feels compelled to attempt to pick winners of basketball games that he hasn’t even seen 75% of the teams ever play a game? Now, I understand that some of you people have placed some wagers on the outcome of the tournament, and that’s fine, but don’t try to pick any upsets please. By picking an upset, what you’re saying is, “I know more about NCAA basketball than the guys that are paid to watch and evaluate every basketball game that’s been played this season.” The fact is, you don’t know anything compared to these guys. I don’t want to hear that BS about “historically the 12 seed can upset the 5 seed” and blah blah blah. If you have money riding on this, the best chance you have of winning is to pick every higher seed of every game. That’s it. The big secret. Pick every 7 seed to beat every 10 seed and pick every 3 seed to beat every 14 seed all the way through the brackets. In the final four you should have the four 1 seeds. At that point, and that point only, you can use your prognosticating powers to pick from those teams. I repeat, you do not know more than the experts; that is why they are called experts. If you are the other group of idiots that just fills out a bracket for no reason other than to prove that you are an expert, don’t. Do not waste your time making a fool out of yourself and then lying to everyone that you picked the big upsets or the teams in the final four. “Yeah, I had Marquette and Kentucky in the championship game.” Just stop. Now. Don’t’ be one of those guys that acts like he has been following college basketball all season. The sport is a pathetically terrible shadow of itself. What happened to the great players? Quick name me one player in college today that will be a sure fire all-star in the NBA in a couple of years… You can’t do it, can you? The NCAA is a watered down version of crappy basketball that is barely watchable on a regular basis. I’m sure there is an exciting game now and then, but for the most part, it sucks. Save yourself some time and effort and bet on a coin flip, you’ll have a better chance of winning. Just when you do win, don’t walk around your office smugly telling everyone that you ‘had a feeling’ from before the coin flip that heads was going to win, because that’s what the winner of the office bracket pool will be doing…

Day Labor

I know I’ve mentioned this before, but here it goes again… I just watched the movie “Crazy Heart.” Pretty decent movie, could have been a little more detailed. Anyway, in the credits towards the end, there is a guy with the title “Laborer.” Really? You need to put the name of the guy that shoveled dirt on the set into the credits? We really need to know his name? Another interesting credit was for “Set Medics.” There were 3 names next to the “Set Medics” credit. Three medics? What the hell are they doing on this set? I can see having one standing by and maybe two so they can work in partners, but three? Keep in mind that this movie didn’t have a great number of stunts or fight scenes or anything. There was one scene where Bad’s car does a roll, but you don’t see anyone in the car during the roll meaning there wasn’t anyone in there. I don’t recall any other fight scenes or anything to merit having three medics. Maybe there were afraid someone would pull a muscle while overacting…

While goofing around with my wife the other day, I think I stumbled upon an interesting social experiment. To make a long story short, we were talking about if there were to be a sitcom based on our lives, what actors we would think would be cast to play ourselves. This idea sort of carried over into trying to figure out if there is a character in a TV show or movie that comes close to our own personalities. While thinking about it, I feel like perhaps I gained a little insight into how people around me might view my personality. Maybe in reality, I am just thinking about how I think people around me view me. After some thought, the closest I think I could come would be Matthew Perry’s Chandler Bing from Friends. You know, the sarcastic smart ass that is always looking to get a laugh at someone else’s expense? I think that people that know me probably view me that way. I thought that by trying to thin of your actor or character, you might be able to get a picture of how you come off to others. Unfortunately, you probably will never know if you are right…

Bomb The Canada

Why is it called “The Sudan?” What makes that country so special that you have to say a “The” in front of it? Sure, there are other countries that have a “The” in the title like The United States of America and The People’s Republic of China, but most of those have a title with an “of” in it. You wouldn’t say, “I’m going to The France” or “Let’s bomb The Canada for fun.” This is where I am putting my foot down. From now on, I am not going to put “The” in front of Sudan when I am referring to that country. I’m just going to say things like, “are you from Sudan?” We’ll see where this leads.

Speaking of bombing Canada, don’t you think it’s high time that we did? I’m getting tired of some of the Canadian’s smug attitudes about the free health care they have. Now I’m not blaming all Canadians, there are some very nice people that live in that country, but some can be downright patronizing. I’ve got some news for you holier than thou Canadian’s; there’s a reason that your country has enough money for national health care. You barely have a military! Isn’t it about time that Canada and Mexico start chipping in for the protection that we give them due to the Monroe Doctrine? Seriously, how much a year does Canada spend on its military? A few grand? The reason that they don’t have to spend a lot of defense money is because they know that if they have any threats, we’ll be there to save their maple leaf asses! How about we start collecting a little ‘protection” money from the great white northerners? We could send a couple bent noses up there. “Hey, youse guys got real clean operation going up here. We’d really hate to see anything bad happen up here like a fire or something. Isn’t that right Vito?” Let’s do this; make a worldwide announcement that we are ripping up the Monroe Doctrine and we’ll see if a few Loonies start making their way to D.C. If that doesn’t work, we’ll do like they did in the movie “Canadian Bacon” and go litter in the Canadian capital city. We’re going to Toronto!

Hurrican season!

According to Joe Bastardi of Accuweather.com , there will be more hurricanes this season than average. The weather service is predicting 15-18 named storms with 5-7 making landfall and causing damage. I make you a deal… I’ll start listening to meteorologist’s predictions after they get a few in a row right. I can’t remember a year when there hasn’t been a gloom and doom prediction of more hurricanes. It is the equivalent of me saying every single year, “The Cubs are going to win the World Series this year!” Any year that they don’t win the title I can just act like I never said anything, but the one year that they do (I’m assuming they will at some point. The law of averages says they will sooner or later, doesn’t it?) I will strut around like I’m a genius and no one will remember the 97 years that I predicted they would win and they didn’t. It is like a ‘psychic’ telling you that you think of your father often…

In other weather related news, we are experiencing the 57th cold front of the year in the middle of March. This global warming is killing us. My friends in England are telling me of a long, cold and terrible winter as well. I guess only the people that live near the sun are experiencing any warming trends at all. Pray for Mexico City…

I just got done listening to the Adam Carolla podcast with Larry Miller guest hosting. If you have never heard it or if you haven’t heard it in a while, do yourself a favor. Go to Youtube and look up Larry Miller’s bit on the 5 levels of drinking. It is one of the funniest comedy bits you will ever see. I think the reason I find it so funny is that I lived it, many times. Who hasn’t argued for and against Astroturf in the same night?

Shark Weak

I just heard someone talking about how the Discovery Channel’s Shark Week is coming up soon. Shark Week is where the network spends an entire week airing shows that have something to do with sharks. I thought to myself… who gives a shit? Great, sharks are deadly predators that can swim very fast and can smell a wounded minnow from 12 miles away. We get it already. Enough. I promise that I will not watch even one second of Shark Week. I’m tired of it. Let’s move on to something else already! What makes sharks so special? There are millions of other animals in the world that are more interesting than some dumb ass shark that just swims around and eats everything that gets in the way like a retarded 2 year old. Let’s not waste and entire week on these things…

Has anybody watched the History Channel lately? I am a documentary junkie. I really enjoy watching informative programs about pieces of our history. Unfortunately, you won’t find much information on the History Channel. These documentaries must have been made for idiots. I saw that a 2 hour special was coming on about the plague of the middle ages and settled in to be educated. Boy was I wrong! In the 2 hours of the show, I would estimate that there was actually about 15 minutes of information and the rest was just re-enactment filler. The show makers filmed about six different scenes of bad actors acting out people in the middle ages crying or whipping themselves to try to cure themselves of the plague. They then showed these 6 scenes about 12 times each with a narrator with an English accent blithering on about nothing interesting. I got up with the realization that I had just wasted 2 hours of my time and knew nothing more about the subject of the show than when I started watching. I know that the History Channel has about 5 different networks for military history, international history and others. Is there anyway that they can make one more for people that aren’t morons? I realize that they have to keep the information flow slow so as to not alienate many TV viewers, but can’t they make a History Channel for the Non-Retarded or something? I bet that you would get a better response than they think. If these programs keep at this pace, I might have to break down and actually read something. Gasp…

Overwhelmation

I just got a note from one of my followers (one of the three) that he noticed that I had missed a couple of days of blog posts and that some of my posts were shorter than normal. He asked if I was running out of material. I think my problem is quite the opposite, I have too much material. You see, every morning I read the newspaper and I am overwhelmed by all of the retards in the world. It’s staggering. You have political parties sniping at each other about non-issues, media sensationalizing everything and very little concern for other humans by anyone in power. I sit and I read and my mind is filled with foolishness to the point of overload. The human brain was only designed to hold so much information at any given time and my memory isn’t what it once was to begin with. To my friend that was concerned about me running out of material, don’t worry, new material is written for me daily…

I’ve come to find out that my 15 year old son has been reading this blog. He came to my wife the other day and asked her if she was for the Manatees or the Polar Bears which I discussed in a recent posting. I am not sure if good things will come of him reading my thoughts. I mean, I never had this type of insight into my father’s mind when I was his age. Heck, I’m not sure that my dad and I really even spoke when I was 15 years old. As I recall, I spent my time either in my room or out of the house. For the most part, the things that I spent my time doing were either constructive or harmless. So on the one hand, I had an upbringing where I had little communication with my parents and I (hopefully) turned out OK. I hope that now that my son can read up on some of my thoughts that I don’t upset the father-son relationship and wreak havoc with the natural progression of things. By him knowing what his dad is thinking a little more, will it hamper his development into a good human? It’s strange that only 15 or so years ago, this type of thing would only be possible for a guy that kept a diary and his son sneaked into his bedroom and read it secretly. Things certainly have changed.

My moral dilemma...

I’ve got a moral dilemma. I love to make fun of people. No, that’s not my dilemma. I’m OK with that. Here is where the dilemma comes in… I think it is perfectly acceptable to make fun of and ridicule stupid people that do stupid things. The guy that cuts out into traffic without even looking. The woman that doesn’t know which side of her car the fuel nozzle goes into. The jerk that goes into the 10 items or less aisle with 15 items. These people are all fair game to verbally abuse either quietly or out loud at your discretion. On the flip side, the man that is mentally handicapped and doesn’t know how to order his lunch is off limits. I have a strict policy of not making fun of people with disabilities either physical or mental. The problem is that I suspect that some people fall into a gray area. For instance, perhaps the woman that is too stupid to realize that she fuels up on the driver side of her car may have been born with a slight brain defect that prohibits her from normal behavior in some circumstances, but otherwise, she appears normal. I think that maybe a low IQ of any kind could be considered a mental handicap. The problem all began with people labeling every issue as a disorder like ADD or Restless Leg Syndrome. Now, even if you are just slight of brain you can be diagnosed with a disorder. Remember when Winnie the Pooh was a bear of very little brain and that was just the way it was? Pooh was never diagnosed with a disorder and prescribed meds to mitigate his problems (although I suspect all of that honey was actually self medicating.) I liked it better when there was a very clear line in the sand; these people are mentally retarded and these other people are just morons. It made the picking of targets of ridicule much easier. Please, someone help me to find the line in this large area of gray… I need to know which people to harass…

The Hurt Locker?

I’m not a big movie award guy. For the most part, I couldn’t care less who wins the Oscar for best film or best director or anything, but I do have a problem with this year’s selections. The Hurt Locker won the award for the year’s best film. I thought the movie was pretty good and all, but how do you give the award to any other movie than the movie that has grossed more money than any other film in history? Avatar has made well over a billion dollars already and by the time it is done, it could be up in the 2 billion dollar neighborhood. The public has voted; they consider this the best movie of all time. Now wait, I know what you’re going to say… You’re going to spiel off some sort of line about the Academy Awards being for the best movie and not the most popular and that the art of the movie is more important than revenue. Fine, if you want to pretend like this is the case, The Hurt Locker should not have been the choice. What about Inglorious Basterds? Or Precious (and no, I am not typing out that whole stupid name!)? I mean, if you are going to use the art value argument, you can’t possibly tell me The Hurt Locker was better art than either of these two films, can you? For that matter, Avatar, even for being a sci-fi flick, had a better story line that The Hurt Locker. I have no dog in this hunt, Avatar didn’t really appeal to me personally, but a movie that takes 10 years to create and sells that many tickets cannot be ignored. I have to wonder what the idiots are thinking that pick these awards. I shouldn’t be surprised, the AFI considers Citizen Kane to be the best movie of all time and it was a colossal pile of crap...

That's News To Me...

I am getting a little angry at the news media and I have narrowed the problem down to two possible things. First, the symptom... Have you noticed how when a news correspondant speaks with the news anchor, there is always a 3 or 4 second delay between question and answer? It goes something like this... "We now go live to Gail Smith standing by at the Oscars." 3 second pause "Hi Jim." 3 second pause "Gail, who was the best dressed this year at the awards?" 3 second pause. "Well Jim, Sandra Bullock... You get the picture. Here's the thing, in my pocket I carry the technology to hold a real time conversation with someone anywhere in North America and most of the civilized world. This technology is knows as a cell phone. So why is it that I have the ability to not pause everytime I want a response and FOX doesn't? Either it is all a theatric trick to make me feel like this conversation is more important than it is, or there actually is a tech problem causing this. If it is theatrics, stop it! You're not fooling me! If it is a tech problem, fire whomever is in charge of that. I know there is a way to fix it. Just do it! No excuses! I don't want any more delays on newscasts, got it?

Polar Bears vs. Manatees

Animal experts have found that the unusually cold winter has been a big problem for the Manatees that live in and around the waters of the state of Florida. It is estimated that around 200 of these creatures have perished this past year due to lower water temperatures. Although the winter has been one of the coldest is recent memory, it is by no means a ridiculously extreme situation. On the other hand, climate change zealots would have you believe that the Polar Bears are being killed by global warming and want to take steps to cool the globe for their preservation. So here you have it; do we try to cool the globe with such retarded steps as the Kyoto protocol and save Polar Bears while killing Manatees or do we allow the globe to warm there by having the opposite affect? Keep in mind, Polar Bears are ferocious creatures that have killed plenty of other animals and even some humans while the gentle Manatee has never hurt a soul. My vote is to fire up your cars and drive around the block a few times. Let's try to get as much carbon into the atmosphere as possible and save the Manatee! I guess the real point of this all is: WE ACTUALLY DON'T MATTER AT ALL! Nature will sort it all out, I promise...

The biggest loser, really!

Is anyone else besides me upset that when you now call someone the biggest loser that you know that they think you are complimenting them on their weight loss? All of my good insults are being taken away from me. The next thing you know, people are going to think by being called a “stupid jackass” that they are being praised for their love of horses or something. If I call you the biggest loser I know, just know that that isn’t a good thing.

Remember when you were in Kindergarten or First Grade and your teacher told you that there was no such thing as a stupid question? THEY LIED TO YOU! There are plenty of stupid questions. I don’t know why they lied to you, maybe they were trying to win your approval or something, but it isn’t true. Not only are there stupid questions, there are down right moronic ones too. The only way to undo the damage that has been done by these teachers of impressionable minds is to ridicule somebody that asks you a stupid question. Do not enable their stupidity by glossing over the situation with a polite answer.

I’ve heard that there is an organization set up nationwide to help combat cyber-bullying. Cyber-bullying? Are you fucking kidding me? What kind of retard reports someone that is text messaging bad names to you? Look, if you are a puss enough to think you are being bullied over the internet, you deserve it. Here’s a plan, the next time someone cyber-bullies you, turn off the computer and go hit a heavy bag or something. Problem solved. What kind of threats are they making anyway? Hey you, I’m going to send you a frownie face :( ? Or worse yet : P . Give me a break… Start acting like a normal person…

Georgia Under Attack!

Does anyone else think that Henry Rollins talks too much? Talk about one intense dude… He looks like he’s mad at the world. Why is he so angry? He gets to travel the country and get paid to ramble on about his rich, white guy problems. Doesn’t sound so bad to me…

Has anyone else ever read the paper early in the morning before you are really awake and been gotten by this mind trick? I saw a story about militants in Georgia that attacked a government office in town and for about 2 seconds, I panicked. I’m thinking, “What the hell is going on in Georgia? Was this in Atlanta?” A couple beats later I felt like an idiot thinking these rebels were only a state away when they are actually in some country half way around the world. Oh well, its fun to pretend that there was a coup going down on Peachtree Street near Five Points.

Speaking of Atlanta, I was once showing a visiting buddy around mid-town Atlanta. As we passed the Margaret Mitchell house, I pointed out to my friend that “Gone With the Wind” was written in that very spot. Without blinking and keeping a straight face, he turned to me and said, “Frankly Mike, I don’t give a damn.” Guess I should have seen that coming…

It might get cocky!

Do me a favor; if you are going to call me with your phone number blocked from my caller ID, don’t waste your time. I have never answered and will never answer a phone call when my caller ID says “unavailable.” All I do is pick up the phone and hang up. If you don’t want me to know your name or number when you call, then I don’t want to talk to you. Speaking of which, I have a sure fire way to get a phone solicitor to never call you again. One time I answered a phone call knowing it was a solicitor and when they asked for Mr. Ahern, I replied “oh, I am sorry but he passed away yesterday in a car crash, were you a friend of his?” You should have heard the operator on the other end squirming to get out of that one. I can pretty much guarantee that they never called back…

I recently saw the movie “It Might Get Loud.” If you haven’t seen it, it is a reality based film where the film puts three famous guitar players in a room together for them to talk and play guitar with each other. The hope is that something interesting will be organically generated for our viewing pleasure. The three guitarists are Jimmy Page of Led Zeppelin, The Edge of U2 and Jack White of the White Stripes. Exactly how do you address The Edge? “Hey, The Edge, try playing a G chord there.” Do you call him “The Edge” or just “Edge” or what? At least you can use Bono as his name when you are talking to him. Another thing, either Jimmy Page was whacked out of his mind on some type of drugs during the film or he has the mental capacity of a 10 year old when it comes to everything other than guitar playing. What a space case! I suspect that by the perma-smile that he had on his grill the whole time that he had smoked a J before filming, at least I hope so. At least he would have an excuse for looking like a retard. It’s a shame that Jack White is a jack ass. You would think that he would be a little more humble when dealing with two of the most influential guitarists of all time. Don’t get me wrong, I like Jack White’s guitar playing, I just think he could have at least acted like he was listening to the other two guys. I really got a kick out of White talking about how using technology when playing the guitar is an evil practice and always ended up in bad results. Maybe Page should have elbowed him and said, “The Edge is sitting right there!” The Edge, after all, is one of the guitarists that pioneered the use of technology in guitar playing. Oh well, I guess no one said that you have to be smart to be a good musician…

Clown Shoes

In the news lately has been the plight of the poor fruit and vegetable pickers and their substandard wages. On one side, you have so called advocate groups pushing for higher wages and better working conditions for migrant workers. On the other side are the price conscious factions of consumers and companies. I have a way to quickly and definitively end this debate once and for all. Since everyone knows that higher wages and better working conditions will mean higher prices for things like tomatoes, let the public pick what they care about more. Have one of the large companies divide their operation into half. On one side of the property, increase the wages of the pickers and send those tomatoes to market with the higher price. On the other side of the field, keep everything the same and send those tomatoes to market at the lower prices. In the supermarkets, place a bin of the higher priced tomatoes next to the bin with the lower priced tomatoes and put up a sign clearly explaining what is going on. Tell the shoppers that if they are for higher wages for the workers that they should buy the more expensive tomatoes. If, however, the shoppers are more concerned about their price that they should buy the less expensive tomatoes and watch what happens. I got five bucks that just about everyone, even the worker advocates, buys the cheaper tomatoes and then you will have your answer as to what people actually care about. By the way, the tomatoes that rot in the expensive bins could be used to throw at all of the hypocrites that are clamoring for higher wages and yet buy the cheaper tomatoes anyway…

Scientists have found that Antarctica is having an unusually cool summer this year. I bet it is being caused by global warming. Somewhere Al Gore’s big ass pair of clown shoes just got a little bigger kind of like Pinocchio’s nose did. I don’t know what’s bigger, Al Gore’s carbon footprint from his energy wasting mansion or the footprints his shoes leave. Well, at least he provides us with plenty of laughter in these dark days of climate change…

Who said racism was dead? Leave it to the Bible Belt to keep the practice of discrimination due to skin color alive and well. It seems that in a dance competition in Atlanta, GA, there were calls to disqualify a group of dancers because of the fact that they weren’t the same race as the rest of the contestants. That’s right, because of skin color! It’s hard to believe that in this day and age that all of the hard work that Martin Luther King Jr., Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton have put forth for the last several decades has gone for naught. I mean, can you even believe that people could be so ridiculously ignorant that they not only would discriminate against a group because of the way the look, but they would publicly announce their position? Did they actually think that they would get the support of anyone? Perhaps I am being naïve in thinking that no one in their right mind would actually say things like this out loud. I think all racists should be ashamed of themselves and should be shunned by the rest of their race for making them all look like idiots. Jack asses! Stupid assholes! The organizers of this racist event should be ridiculed early and often… In case you were wondering, the event is the National Spirit Step Off Competition which is an event usually frequented by black college sororities and fraternities and the object of the racism is the ZTA organization of the University of Arkansas. They are a group of white dancers…

As Soon As Poss.

A customer the other day came into my store and said something about his "frigerator." My wife and kids also use that word when describing the kitchen appliance and it drives me nuts. Look, I don't mind you using slang and abbreviating; in fact I encourage it. If you are going to shorten the word "refrigerator," just take it to "fridge." It's really very paradoxical in nature. If you are too lazy to shorten the word to its lowest common denominator, aren't you also too lazy to use four syllables instead of one? If you are so uncaring about the English language, why do you try to keep part of the word alive? It's like the people that say "B-B-Q" instead of "Barbecue." Same amount of syllables, doesn't save any time to say, they just like butchering words. One thing I can defend these people about; how do we know that what is being put in the refrigerator was already cold and is now being re-chilled? What if the stuff you put in there is being chilled for the first time? Then, I guess "frigerator" might be appropriate...

Don't Bother to See Rock City!

SEE ROCK CITY! Just about everybody knows about this piece of Americana. The owners of Rock City in Tennessee paid a painter to travel the better part of the United States and paint this slogan on barn roofs everywhere. Thousands of signs popped up all over in an attempt to gain publicity and tourism dollars. In one of the first such advertising campaigns of its kind, a part of American history was born. There are books and paintings based upon the slogan. Along rural highways all over, these rustic pieces of history can be seen, decaying and harkening back to the days of family road trips. One thing I suggest is to get off of the interstate highway system and take a long drive on some of the smaller, lesser known highways and byways (what the hell is a byway, by the way?) Look around, smell the roses as it were; some great scenery waits. One thing that I don’t recommend… seeing Rock City. As it turns out, Rock City is as about as exciting as finding out what “Rosebud” means at the end of Citizen Kane; it’s not. As it turns out, Rock City is just a bunch of god damn rocks…don’t waste your time.

I was watching a documentary on Wikipedia and the informational revolution happening on the internet today. The main focus of the show was how information can be convoluted and manipulated on reference sites like Wikipedia. As you may know, anyone can edit articles about anything that they want to, making some information unreliable and hearsay. Predictably, the producer of the doc interviewed a spokesman from The Encyclopedia Britannica. With nose held high in the air, the guy with the forced and over emphasized English accent explained how the articles in his encyclopedia are written by experts in each field that is covered by the missive. It occurred to me, how can you trust any information that you read? Just because some guy is an “expert” in some field doesn’t mean he’s right. What if he has a motive to misrepresent the facts? Let’s say some scientist is getting funding from the government for his research in the endangerment of a certain species of lizard. Because of his extensive research on the subject, The Encyclopedia Britannica calls him to write an article about this lizard. Regardless if the species is actually in harms way or not, the writer will paint that picture knowing that more funding for research awaits him. I shudder to think what goes on in the authoring of school textbooks on history or social studies. If you want the public schools to buy your textbooks and reward you with a big paycheck, your facts better be consistent with what the government’s story is. How many textbooks do you remember mentioning that the IRS was to be a temporary measure to raise funds for the war effort? Wikipedia may not be perfect, but it isn’t any better or worse than other things you read. Just because what you read is bound in a book doesn’t make it real. You need several sources.

I am not sure about what the solution to the health care crisis in America is, but keep this in mind. When was the last time you dealt with a government employee that did something right? Seriously, are you willing to let your health issues be handled by some jerk-off government employee? Have you been to the DMV or permitting office lately? These are the fucking bozos that will be handling your case, arranging doctor’s appointments and writing prescription approvals. Really? Is that really what you want? You want the guy that can barely read and has a hard time stringing together a sentence in charge of whether you live or die? Think about it…

Ne'er do well

I was thinking that I would like for my wife to have another child. It’s not that I especially want to have another kid running around, but rather because I love hospital cafeteria food. One of the highlights of our visit to the hospital during my daughter’s birth was the food that was served in the cafeteria. Now, the old adage about how crappy hospital food is still holds true for the food that they bring to the patients in the rooms, but not for the meals that you go downstairs to purchase. I guess they must have different cooks or something because the food downstairs is ten times better than the food upstairs. Not only is the food great, but you can get a decent meal for around $5. Try going to any good restaurant for a good meal that costs $5, you can’t do it. Now before you think I am a totally insensitive clod for wanting another child just to get some good food, I could have really been a jerk and wished that someone I know got cancer or something. In fact, if someone I knew got cancer, I would probably spend a lot more time in the hospital than I would for a birth. Is there some disease that anyone knows of that requires a hospital stay that is 100% curable and has no lingering effects?

As we all know (or should know), about 98% of all people that are involved with government of any form are clinically retarded, evil or both. The latest bit of evidence came in today in the form of a news article in The St. Petersburg Times. This is a local example of the waste that we call government, but I’m sure similar things happen all around the world all of the time. In the Pinellas County School District, there have been contracts of $842,188 awarded to Sciarra Lawn Care for the maintenance of some school playgrounds. As a point of reference, since this story has come out, several lawn services have said that the work done should have cost only about a third of this price tag (and I suspect it could be done for even less). Here’s what happened, Robert Sciarra, the owner of the lawn service put in an inflated bid to the maintenance department of the school system and his buddy on the school payroll, Alan Smith, accepted his bid even though it was absolutely ridiculous. Now, as I said, 98% of government employees are retarded or evil. Alan Smith is one of the evil ones by wasting tax payer money by letting it being stolen by the lawn service of which I am sure he got a cut. This troubles me, but what really troubles me is that he was getting away with it. Doesn’t anyone else at the school board have any idea of what the fuck is going on around them? Are they all complete idiots or are they all playing minesweeper in their cubicles? Here is what should happen: anyone who has any connection at all with the maintenance department should be fired. No if ands or buts, fire first, ask questions later. Go out on the streets and hire the first people without a job that you find. Don’t ask for qualifications. Don’t ask for references, just hire them. It doesn’t matter who you hire, they will do a better job. They can’t do worse! Tell them that the minute they screw up, they’re gone too. As the old saying goes, a hungry dog hunts harder. What do we have to lose? We should take this approach with all government institutions around the country on a local, state and federal level. For all hired employees, screw up and you’re gone! Maybe these people will actually start doing some good work for the people that pay their salaries, you and I.

If I do have any readers.... please let your friends know about this blog. I thank you for reading!