Woody Allen sucks ass!

I was listening to an interview with a Hollywood filmmaker named Joe Simon that had worked with Woody Allen on a couple of occasions. Simon was telling the interviewer that Woody Allen was an unfriendly and arrogant jerk. They decided between them that Allen was arrogant because he was such a good comedic actor and made great movies. This success, they reasoned, made him forget his manners. Have any of you ever seen any Woody Allen films? As an actor, he is a pathetic, sniveling little puss and as a writer/director he is an unfunny moron that creates steaming piles of shit. He sucks and his movies suck, all of them. If I want to watch a bespectacled little dork act like an anal retentive queer, I’ll pop in my Beta Max tapes of Charles Nelson Reilly competing on the Match Game or Hollywood squares. Woody Allen has nothing to be arrogant about except for the fact that he somehow pulled the wool over everybody’s eyes and somehow conned them into going to see his shitty movies. On top of all of this, he had a tryst with his adopted daughter and ended up marrying her. Woody Allen is a megalomaniac jerk that I can’t wait to be claimed by cancer or AIDS or something. The sooner that idiot is in the ground, the better and the minute he is, I would love to be the first to piss on his grave. May you burn in hell for the scourge of crappy humor that you have cursed the world with Mr. Allen, may you burn in hell…

Infamously Famous

One of the best experiences of my life is the night my son and I spent listening to internet music. It was less about father and son and more about guitar player to guitar player. My wife yelled out every 35 minutes to see if we were “going to bed.” Glad he’s my son. He’s pretty cool.

Why do all motorcycle riders say “hello” to each other? Have you seen this? Every time a motorcycle passes another motorcycle, they put that “low five” down to each other. Why? Do I wave at every other car driver when I go by them? Does a Harley rider wave at a Gold Wing driver? Where do we draw the line? I don’t consider you a motorcycle driver unless you have a Harley…

Hey, with friends like the US government, who needs enemies? What good does the health care bill do? Does it help anyone?

What is the difference between the words “famous” and “infamous”? Is it just that “infamous” sounds more ominous? I thought the prefix “in” was supposed to make the word mean the opposite like “humane” and “inhumane”, not just make it a weird sounding synonym. Is anyone else confused by this? Anyway, even if being “infamous” carries a bad connotation to it, didn’t someone once say, “there is no such thing as bad publicity?” If I were to ever be famous, I would demand that people call me infamous and for them to refer to my house as my “lair”. It would certainly be easier to cook up some diabolical plots in a lair than in a house…

Carwinism

All the talk in my area and many areas around the country is making texting on your mobile device illegal while driving. Of course sending text messages while driving is ridiculously dangerous and should be outlawed for the safety of others, but isn’t there a way that we can let the process of natural selection do it’s work without endangering others? If only there was a way for the people that are doing the texting to get into a major car accident and only hurt or kill themselves? That is probably one of the major problems with society today; we’ve attempted to take survival of the fittest out of the equation. Let me give you an example; there are now warning labels on just about everything. For instance, pools that have shallow water now have signs all over them warning people not to dive in and break their necks. You might think that this is a good thing in that it could help prevent injuries and deaths, wrong! The thing is, most smart people realize that you should not dive into a pool that you don’t know how deep it is. Only a semi-retarded moron would just go diving into a pool that he wasn’t familiar with. Back in the good ole’ days, the idiots that dove into shallow water killed themselves before they could procreate and thereby ending the cycle of dumb asses cold in its tracks. A good illustration of this fact is Leonardo da Vinci. Back in an era where the average lifespan of a man was somewhere in the neighborhood of 40, Leonardo lived into his 70’s. The reason the average lifespan was so low is that morons usually died early and smart people lived to swim another day. The point I am trying to make is that anyone that sends text messages while driving is obviously someone that we do not want having kids. The only problem with allowing them to text their way into oblivion is that there is a chance that they might hit one of the smart people’s cars and injure or kill them so we are going to have to figure out another way to let Darwinism run its course. Maybe we could get some plastic bags that don’t have the “this is not a toy” warning on them and let them play. Just a thought…

Today I saw a woman driving while on her cell phone. She was going about 10 miles an hour on a 40 mile per hour stretch of road. She was completely oblivious to anything around her and talking away without a care in the world. Why don’t we make the driver’s test consist of a portion of driving while talking on a phone? If you pass, you get a sticker that you put on your license plate that indicates to police that you have been approved to drive with a phone. If you fail, you get a different sticker that shows that you are not allowed to phone while driving. Problem solved. Why is it so hard for people to see the easiest solutions? If you are caught talking while driving without the proper permit, you get a ticket and your phone is confiscated and destroyed so that maybe the hassle of having to get a new phone will make you think twice before breaking the law again…

Hey, reader Bob, is this better? Hope you’re happy, I think I am going to offend a few people here. The last thing I have ever wanted to do is to offend people…

A to Z (or whatever the English call it)

In some earlier posts, I implored some of you not to make fools of yourselves and engage in the folly of NCAA bracket picking. Well, I now know that I can make one exception. There is a 17 year old boy that lives in Chicago who I will allow the indulgence of making his picks. Of the 48 games that have been played so far, he has 48 correct picks. That’s right; he has a perfect bracket so far… perfect! The 17 year old autistic boy says that he is good with “stats and stuff.” I guess so. By the way, he has Purdue to win it all. I wonder how many “friends” this kid has made with guys with bent noses since his publicity?

I heard a story on FOX news today that some San Francisco area restaurants are charging a “health insurance” surcharge on customer’s bills to cover the cost of the mandatory health insurance that they must provide their employees. Other restaurants are just raising menu prices. I’m not sure when people and the government are going realize that no company or corporation has ever paid a tax. When you make the company pay more, they raise prices and pass the expense on to the customers. The old “let’s tax the big corporations” idea is a croc. This San Fran example is just a lesson that I’m afraid no one will ever learn. It’s simple; tax or charge a business and they pass the expense on to the customers…

On vertical blinds in your house, you know how there is a draw string that raises and lowers the blinds? I feel like that I have NEVER grabbed the right string the first time. I always grab the wrong one and have to switch. Doesn’t the law of averages say something about this? Why have I never grabbed the right string, even once? If you ask me, I think the things are rigged…

What do the English have against the letter Z? Its “organized” not “organised.” I don’t know why they can’t see that.

ABC sells widgets

Let me ask you something… If a widget is a small computer application, what do business schools use as a fictional product for a company to sell? I can see a lot of “who’s on first” routines going on. “Let’s say that ABC company sells 1,000 widgets in their first month of business.” “Oh, so they are a software company?” “No, not necessarily, they sell widgets.” “Yes, that’s what I thought. They write software.” This circular conversation could go on for a while until either the crotchety old professor realized that now a widget is an actual thing or until the young student realized that a widget is a fictional, generic item that old crotchety professors use to symbolize a random product. The generational gap could really cause some confusion here.

So, how is everybody’s NCAA brackets looking? Well, I’m sure everybody’s fake bracket is doing great (sure, I picked Kansas to lose too!) Again, just crumple them up and throw them away, no one cares who you picked…

Bike lane, not bike line!

Nationally syndicated sports broadcaster Tony Kornheiser and world famous cyclist Lance Armstrong have a feud. Have you heard about it? First, Kornheiser said on his radio program that most cyclists that you encounter on the roadways attempt to cause close calls between themselves and cars and then get mad when your car gets to close to them. Armstrong replied by calling Kornheiser’s opinion ridiculous and called Kornheiser a moron and ignorant. Well guess what, this is where I draw the line. You see, up until now, in this politically correct age, all you have to do to discredit someone is to pull out the “ignorant” word. You just have to call someone ignorant and the villagers gather with the torches and pitchforks. Somehow, some way, the word ignorant has become synonymous to wrong. You can be ignorant and not be wrong. Just because I don’t know everything about global warming, I’m not necessarily wrong by looking into the scientific results more closely before I make a judgment. In Kornheiser’s case, he doesn’t need to know all about cycling to be right about the idiots that ride on the roads like drunks on their bikes and conversely, just because Lance Armstrong won a few bike races, doesn’t make him right. Look, I am all for people using their bicycles for transportation. Biking keeps you in shape, saves money and doesn’t cause global warming (?!), so I’m all for it. I am also all for the fact that cyclists have the right to ride on the road without the fear of being hit by a car. If you come up behind someone on a bicycle, you should exercise care when passing them. I live in Florida. I’m not sure what the rest of the country is like, but in Florida, on many of our larger roads, we have a specific lane for bikes. This lane is about 3 feet wide and is all the way to the right of the roadway. Nine times out of ten, you will see a bicyclist riding on the line that divides the bike lane from the car lane rather than in the middle of the lane itself. When you drive a car on a road with 2 lanes going in one direction, do you drive on the line? No! You drive in the lane. Then when you go by the rider, you end up being too close to them for comfort and they usually give you a dirty look. Look, the government paid a lot of money to put bike lanes in, USE THEM! If there is no bike lane, fine, use the road. If there is, stay off the road. Simple. Kornheiser by a TKO.

Hot and Spicy?

Who invented the Po’ Boy sandwich and what the hell were they thinking? Have you ever eaten a Po’ Boy? Did you vomit immediately after getting it? I don’t give a shit how “Po’” I get, I will never, ever resort to eating one of these culinary disasters…

While on the topic of food, have you ever gotten the chicken from a Chinese restaurant known as the General Tso’s Hot and Spicy Chicken? The very first thing I noticed about this dish is that it is neither hot nor spicy. Has General Tso ever been held accountable for putting his name on this fraud of a dish? Let me tell you this; if I ever run into General Tso on the street, I’m going to give him a piece of my mind. Does he think that I won’t complain to my waiter because he can barely speak English? By the way, I’m betting that the waiters in a Chinese joint speak better English than they let on. They use it as an excuse to not have to answer questions about the food. I’ve got news for you General Tso, I’m not going to put up with it anymore…

To all the people that used St. Patrick’s day as an excuse to get drunk and act like an idiot: You are all a bunch of idiots. Back when I was a little younger, I never needed an excuse the get drunk and act stupid, just ask anyone who knew me…

March Foolishness

It is that time of year again. The NCAA basketball season is winding up and March Madness has arrived. It is time for every retard in America to fill out his bracket. Why is that every moron on this side of the moon feels compelled to attempt to pick winners of basketball games that he hasn’t even seen 75% of the teams ever play a game? Now, I understand that some of you people have placed some wagers on the outcome of the tournament, and that’s fine, but don’t try to pick any upsets please. By picking an upset, what you’re saying is, “I know more about NCAA basketball than the guys that are paid to watch and evaluate every basketball game that’s been played this season.” The fact is, you don’t know anything compared to these guys. I don’t want to hear that BS about “historically the 12 seed can upset the 5 seed” and blah blah blah. If you have money riding on this, the best chance you have of winning is to pick every higher seed of every game. That’s it. The big secret. Pick every 7 seed to beat every 10 seed and pick every 3 seed to beat every 14 seed all the way through the brackets. In the final four you should have the four 1 seeds. At that point, and that point only, you can use your prognosticating powers to pick from those teams. I repeat, you do not know more than the experts; that is why they are called experts. If you are the other group of idiots that just fills out a bracket for no reason other than to prove that you are an expert, don’t. Do not waste your time making a fool out of yourself and then lying to everyone that you picked the big upsets or the teams in the final four. “Yeah, I had Marquette and Kentucky in the championship game.” Just stop. Now. Don’t’ be one of those guys that acts like he has been following college basketball all season. The sport is a pathetically terrible shadow of itself. What happened to the great players? Quick name me one player in college today that will be a sure fire all-star in the NBA in a couple of years… You can’t do it, can you? The NCAA is a watered down version of crappy basketball that is barely watchable on a regular basis. I’m sure there is an exciting game now and then, but for the most part, it sucks. Save yourself some time and effort and bet on a coin flip, you’ll have a better chance of winning. Just when you do win, don’t walk around your office smugly telling everyone that you ‘had a feeling’ from before the coin flip that heads was going to win, because that’s what the winner of the office bracket pool will be doing…

Day Labor

I know I’ve mentioned this before, but here it goes again… I just watched the movie “Crazy Heart.” Pretty decent movie, could have been a little more detailed. Anyway, in the credits towards the end, there is a guy with the title “Laborer.” Really? You need to put the name of the guy that shoveled dirt on the set into the credits? We really need to know his name? Another interesting credit was for “Set Medics.” There were 3 names next to the “Set Medics” credit. Three medics? What the hell are they doing on this set? I can see having one standing by and maybe two so they can work in partners, but three? Keep in mind that this movie didn’t have a great number of stunts or fight scenes or anything. There was one scene where Bad’s car does a roll, but you don’t see anyone in the car during the roll meaning there wasn’t anyone in there. I don’t recall any other fight scenes or anything to merit having three medics. Maybe there were afraid someone would pull a muscle while overacting…

While goofing around with my wife the other day, I think I stumbled upon an interesting social experiment. To make a long story short, we were talking about if there were to be a sitcom based on our lives, what actors we would think would be cast to play ourselves. This idea sort of carried over into trying to figure out if there is a character in a TV show or movie that comes close to our own personalities. While thinking about it, I feel like perhaps I gained a little insight into how people around me might view my personality. Maybe in reality, I am just thinking about how I think people around me view me. After some thought, the closest I think I could come would be Matthew Perry’s Chandler Bing from Friends. You know, the sarcastic smart ass that is always looking to get a laugh at someone else’s expense? I think that people that know me probably view me that way. I thought that by trying to thin of your actor or character, you might be able to get a picture of how you come off to others. Unfortunately, you probably will never know if you are right…

Bomb The Canada

Why is it called “The Sudan?” What makes that country so special that you have to say a “The” in front of it? Sure, there are other countries that have a “The” in the title like The United States of America and The People’s Republic of China, but most of those have a title with an “of” in it. You wouldn’t say, “I’m going to The France” or “Let’s bomb The Canada for fun.” This is where I am putting my foot down. From now on, I am not going to put “The” in front of Sudan when I am referring to that country. I’m just going to say things like, “are you from Sudan?” We’ll see where this leads.

Speaking of bombing Canada, don’t you think it’s high time that we did? I’m getting tired of some of the Canadian’s smug attitudes about the free health care they have. Now I’m not blaming all Canadians, there are some very nice people that live in that country, but some can be downright patronizing. I’ve got some news for you holier than thou Canadian’s; there’s a reason that your country has enough money for national health care. You barely have a military! Isn’t it about time that Canada and Mexico start chipping in for the protection that we give them due to the Monroe Doctrine? Seriously, how much a year does Canada spend on its military? A few grand? The reason that they don’t have to spend a lot of defense money is because they know that if they have any threats, we’ll be there to save their maple leaf asses! How about we start collecting a little ‘protection” money from the great white northerners? We could send a couple bent noses up there. “Hey, youse guys got real clean operation going up here. We’d really hate to see anything bad happen up here like a fire or something. Isn’t that right Vito?” Let’s do this; make a worldwide announcement that we are ripping up the Monroe Doctrine and we’ll see if a few Loonies start making their way to D.C. If that doesn’t work, we’ll do like they did in the movie “Canadian Bacon” and go litter in the Canadian capital city. We’re going to Toronto!

Hurrican season!

According to Joe Bastardi of Accuweather.com , there will be more hurricanes this season than average. The weather service is predicting 15-18 named storms with 5-7 making landfall and causing damage. I make you a deal… I’ll start listening to meteorologist’s predictions after they get a few in a row right. I can’t remember a year when there hasn’t been a gloom and doom prediction of more hurricanes. It is the equivalent of me saying every single year, “The Cubs are going to win the World Series this year!” Any year that they don’t win the title I can just act like I never said anything, but the one year that they do (I’m assuming they will at some point. The law of averages says they will sooner or later, doesn’t it?) I will strut around like I’m a genius and no one will remember the 97 years that I predicted they would win and they didn’t. It is like a ‘psychic’ telling you that you think of your father often…

In other weather related news, we are experiencing the 57th cold front of the year in the middle of March. This global warming is killing us. My friends in England are telling me of a long, cold and terrible winter as well. I guess only the people that live near the sun are experiencing any warming trends at all. Pray for Mexico City…

I just got done listening to the Adam Carolla podcast with Larry Miller guest hosting. If you have never heard it or if you haven’t heard it in a while, do yourself a favor. Go to Youtube and look up Larry Miller’s bit on the 5 levels of drinking. It is one of the funniest comedy bits you will ever see. I think the reason I find it so funny is that I lived it, many times. Who hasn’t argued for and against Astroturf in the same night?

Shark Weak

I just heard someone talking about how the Discovery Channel’s Shark Week is coming up soon. Shark Week is where the network spends an entire week airing shows that have something to do with sharks. I thought to myself… who gives a shit? Great, sharks are deadly predators that can swim very fast and can smell a wounded minnow from 12 miles away. We get it already. Enough. I promise that I will not watch even one second of Shark Week. I’m tired of it. Let’s move on to something else already! What makes sharks so special? There are millions of other animals in the world that are more interesting than some dumb ass shark that just swims around and eats everything that gets in the way like a retarded 2 year old. Let’s not waste and entire week on these things…

Has anybody watched the History Channel lately? I am a documentary junkie. I really enjoy watching informative programs about pieces of our history. Unfortunately, you won’t find much information on the History Channel. These documentaries must have been made for idiots. I saw that a 2 hour special was coming on about the plague of the middle ages and settled in to be educated. Boy was I wrong! In the 2 hours of the show, I would estimate that there was actually about 15 minutes of information and the rest was just re-enactment filler. The show makers filmed about six different scenes of bad actors acting out people in the middle ages crying or whipping themselves to try to cure themselves of the plague. They then showed these 6 scenes about 12 times each with a narrator with an English accent blithering on about nothing interesting. I got up with the realization that I had just wasted 2 hours of my time and knew nothing more about the subject of the show than when I started watching. I know that the History Channel has about 5 different networks for military history, international history and others. Is there anyway that they can make one more for people that aren’t morons? I realize that they have to keep the information flow slow so as to not alienate many TV viewers, but can’t they make a History Channel for the Non-Retarded or something? I bet that you would get a better response than they think. If these programs keep at this pace, I might have to break down and actually read something. Gasp…

Overwhelmation

I just got a note from one of my followers (one of the three) that he noticed that I had missed a couple of days of blog posts and that some of my posts were shorter than normal. He asked if I was running out of material. I think my problem is quite the opposite, I have too much material. You see, every morning I read the newspaper and I am overwhelmed by all of the retards in the world. It’s staggering. You have political parties sniping at each other about non-issues, media sensationalizing everything and very little concern for other humans by anyone in power. I sit and I read and my mind is filled with foolishness to the point of overload. The human brain was only designed to hold so much information at any given time and my memory isn’t what it once was to begin with. To my friend that was concerned about me running out of material, don’t worry, new material is written for me daily…

I’ve come to find out that my 15 year old son has been reading this blog. He came to my wife the other day and asked her if she was for the Manatees or the Polar Bears which I discussed in a recent posting. I am not sure if good things will come of him reading my thoughts. I mean, I never had this type of insight into my father’s mind when I was his age. Heck, I’m not sure that my dad and I really even spoke when I was 15 years old. As I recall, I spent my time either in my room or out of the house. For the most part, the things that I spent my time doing were either constructive or harmless. So on the one hand, I had an upbringing where I had little communication with my parents and I (hopefully) turned out OK. I hope that now that my son can read up on some of my thoughts that I don’t upset the father-son relationship and wreak havoc with the natural progression of things. By him knowing what his dad is thinking a little more, will it hamper his development into a good human? It’s strange that only 15 or so years ago, this type of thing would only be possible for a guy that kept a diary and his son sneaked into his bedroom and read it secretly. Things certainly have changed.

My moral dilemma...

I’ve got a moral dilemma. I love to make fun of people. No, that’s not my dilemma. I’m OK with that. Here is where the dilemma comes in… I think it is perfectly acceptable to make fun of and ridicule stupid people that do stupid things. The guy that cuts out into traffic without even looking. The woman that doesn’t know which side of her car the fuel nozzle goes into. The jerk that goes into the 10 items or less aisle with 15 items. These people are all fair game to verbally abuse either quietly or out loud at your discretion. On the flip side, the man that is mentally handicapped and doesn’t know how to order his lunch is off limits. I have a strict policy of not making fun of people with disabilities either physical or mental. The problem is that I suspect that some people fall into a gray area. For instance, perhaps the woman that is too stupid to realize that she fuels up on the driver side of her car may have been born with a slight brain defect that prohibits her from normal behavior in some circumstances, but otherwise, she appears normal. I think that maybe a low IQ of any kind could be considered a mental handicap. The problem all began with people labeling every issue as a disorder like ADD or Restless Leg Syndrome. Now, even if you are just slight of brain you can be diagnosed with a disorder. Remember when Winnie the Pooh was a bear of very little brain and that was just the way it was? Pooh was never diagnosed with a disorder and prescribed meds to mitigate his problems (although I suspect all of that honey was actually self medicating.) I liked it better when there was a very clear line in the sand; these people are mentally retarded and these other people are just morons. It made the picking of targets of ridicule much easier. Please, someone help me to find the line in this large area of gray… I need to know which people to harass…

The Hurt Locker?

I’m not a big movie award guy. For the most part, I couldn’t care less who wins the Oscar for best film or best director or anything, but I do have a problem with this year’s selections. The Hurt Locker won the award for the year’s best film. I thought the movie was pretty good and all, but how do you give the award to any other movie than the movie that has grossed more money than any other film in history? Avatar has made well over a billion dollars already and by the time it is done, it could be up in the 2 billion dollar neighborhood. The public has voted; they consider this the best movie of all time. Now wait, I know what you’re going to say… You’re going to spiel off some sort of line about the Academy Awards being for the best movie and not the most popular and that the art of the movie is more important than revenue. Fine, if you want to pretend like this is the case, The Hurt Locker should not have been the choice. What about Inglorious Basterds? Or Precious (and no, I am not typing out that whole stupid name!)? I mean, if you are going to use the art value argument, you can’t possibly tell me The Hurt Locker was better art than either of these two films, can you? For that matter, Avatar, even for being a sci-fi flick, had a better story line that The Hurt Locker. I have no dog in this hunt, Avatar didn’t really appeal to me personally, but a movie that takes 10 years to create and sells that many tickets cannot be ignored. I have to wonder what the idiots are thinking that pick these awards. I shouldn’t be surprised, the AFI considers Citizen Kane to be the best movie of all time and it was a colossal pile of crap...

That's News To Me...

I am getting a little angry at the news media and I have narrowed the problem down to two possible things. First, the symptom... Have you noticed how when a news correspondant speaks with the news anchor, there is always a 3 or 4 second delay between question and answer? It goes something like this... "We now go live to Gail Smith standing by at the Oscars." 3 second pause "Hi Jim." 3 second pause "Gail, who was the best dressed this year at the awards?" 3 second pause. "Well Jim, Sandra Bullock... You get the picture. Here's the thing, in my pocket I carry the technology to hold a real time conversation with someone anywhere in North America and most of the civilized world. This technology is knows as a cell phone. So why is it that I have the ability to not pause everytime I want a response and FOX doesn't? Either it is all a theatric trick to make me feel like this conversation is more important than it is, or there actually is a tech problem causing this. If it is theatrics, stop it! You're not fooling me! If it is a tech problem, fire whomever is in charge of that. I know there is a way to fix it. Just do it! No excuses! I don't want any more delays on newscasts, got it?

Polar Bears vs. Manatees

Animal experts have found that the unusually cold winter has been a big problem for the Manatees that live in and around the waters of the state of Florida. It is estimated that around 200 of these creatures have perished this past year due to lower water temperatures. Although the winter has been one of the coldest is recent memory, it is by no means a ridiculously extreme situation. On the other hand, climate change zealots would have you believe that the Polar Bears are being killed by global warming and want to take steps to cool the globe for their preservation. So here you have it; do we try to cool the globe with such retarded steps as the Kyoto protocol and save Polar Bears while killing Manatees or do we allow the globe to warm there by having the opposite affect? Keep in mind, Polar Bears are ferocious creatures that have killed plenty of other animals and even some humans while the gentle Manatee has never hurt a soul. My vote is to fire up your cars and drive around the block a few times. Let's try to get as much carbon into the atmosphere as possible and save the Manatee! I guess the real point of this all is: WE ACTUALLY DON'T MATTER AT ALL! Nature will sort it all out, I promise...

The biggest loser, really!

Is anyone else besides me upset that when you now call someone the biggest loser that you know that they think you are complimenting them on their weight loss? All of my good insults are being taken away from me. The next thing you know, people are going to think by being called a “stupid jackass” that they are being praised for their love of horses or something. If I call you the biggest loser I know, just know that that isn’t a good thing.

Remember when you were in Kindergarten or First Grade and your teacher told you that there was no such thing as a stupid question? THEY LIED TO YOU! There are plenty of stupid questions. I don’t know why they lied to you, maybe they were trying to win your approval or something, but it isn’t true. Not only are there stupid questions, there are down right moronic ones too. The only way to undo the damage that has been done by these teachers of impressionable minds is to ridicule somebody that asks you a stupid question. Do not enable their stupidity by glossing over the situation with a polite answer.

I’ve heard that there is an organization set up nationwide to help combat cyber-bullying. Cyber-bullying? Are you fucking kidding me? What kind of retard reports someone that is text messaging bad names to you? Look, if you are a puss enough to think you are being bullied over the internet, you deserve it. Here’s a plan, the next time someone cyber-bullies you, turn off the computer and go hit a heavy bag or something. Problem solved. What kind of threats are they making anyway? Hey you, I’m going to send you a frownie face :( ? Or worse yet : P . Give me a break… Start acting like a normal person…

Georgia Under Attack!

Does anyone else think that Henry Rollins talks too much? Talk about one intense dude… He looks like he’s mad at the world. Why is he so angry? He gets to travel the country and get paid to ramble on about his rich, white guy problems. Doesn’t sound so bad to me…

Has anyone else ever read the paper early in the morning before you are really awake and been gotten by this mind trick? I saw a story about militants in Georgia that attacked a government office in town and for about 2 seconds, I panicked. I’m thinking, “What the hell is going on in Georgia? Was this in Atlanta?” A couple beats later I felt like an idiot thinking these rebels were only a state away when they are actually in some country half way around the world. Oh well, its fun to pretend that there was a coup going down on Peachtree Street near Five Points.

Speaking of Atlanta, I was once showing a visiting buddy around mid-town Atlanta. As we passed the Margaret Mitchell house, I pointed out to my friend that “Gone With the Wind” was written in that very spot. Without blinking and keeping a straight face, he turned to me and said, “Frankly Mike, I don’t give a damn.” Guess I should have seen that coming…

It might get cocky!

Do me a favor; if you are going to call me with your phone number blocked from my caller ID, don’t waste your time. I have never answered and will never answer a phone call when my caller ID says “unavailable.” All I do is pick up the phone and hang up. If you don’t want me to know your name or number when you call, then I don’t want to talk to you. Speaking of which, I have a sure fire way to get a phone solicitor to never call you again. One time I answered a phone call knowing it was a solicitor and when they asked for Mr. Ahern, I replied “oh, I am sorry but he passed away yesterday in a car crash, were you a friend of his?” You should have heard the operator on the other end squirming to get out of that one. I can pretty much guarantee that they never called back…

I recently saw the movie “It Might Get Loud.” If you haven’t seen it, it is a reality based film where the film puts three famous guitar players in a room together for them to talk and play guitar with each other. The hope is that something interesting will be organically generated for our viewing pleasure. The three guitarists are Jimmy Page of Led Zeppelin, The Edge of U2 and Jack White of the White Stripes. Exactly how do you address The Edge? “Hey, The Edge, try playing a G chord there.” Do you call him “The Edge” or just “Edge” or what? At least you can use Bono as his name when you are talking to him. Another thing, either Jimmy Page was whacked out of his mind on some type of drugs during the film or he has the mental capacity of a 10 year old when it comes to everything other than guitar playing. What a space case! I suspect that by the perma-smile that he had on his grill the whole time that he had smoked a J before filming, at least I hope so. At least he would have an excuse for looking like a retard. It’s a shame that Jack White is a jack ass. You would think that he would be a little more humble when dealing with two of the most influential guitarists of all time. Don’t get me wrong, I like Jack White’s guitar playing, I just think he could have at least acted like he was listening to the other two guys. I really got a kick out of White talking about how using technology when playing the guitar is an evil practice and always ended up in bad results. Maybe Page should have elbowed him and said, “The Edge is sitting right there!” The Edge, after all, is one of the guitarists that pioneered the use of technology in guitar playing. Oh well, I guess no one said that you have to be smart to be a good musician…