Diff'rent Stroke

Diff’rent Strokes star Gary Coleman died yesterday due to a brain hemorrhage he suffered as a result of some kind of trauma to the head. He was 42. Although a star being cut down in the prime of his career is a tragedy in itself, the real tragedy is the moron in his family who made a statement to the press. The statement was, in a nutshell, that the family would make a statement soon about the accident that killed Coleman. Really? That’s what you have to say? A guy dies because of blunt force trauma to the head and you tell the press that you will make a statement about what happened soon? What, are you trying to keep everyone on the edge of their seat for this thrilling mystery? Just fucking tell us what happened! We don’t need every single detail there is, just tell us if he fell, hit his head on a table leaf or was pistol whipped by Todd Bridges for crack money. What possible reason could there be for keeping this information a secret if you are just going to tell us soon anyway? How’s this, shut up, no one gives a shit…

I was listening to ESPN this morning and heard about the running of the Pepsi 600 NASCAR race. Let me preface this by saying I am not a racing fan at all, but why do you need a 600 mile race instead of a 500 miler? Does something different happen in that last 100 miles? Do the turn all of the cars around at the 500 mile point and start racing clockwise around the track into oncoming stragglers? Now that would be a race to see! If NASCAR ever wanted to gain popularity back, that is how to do it. Seriously though, what are you going to prove in that last 100 miles that couldn’t be proven in the first 500? What they should really do is shorten the races. How about the Daytona 5? All of the good action happens in the last couple laps anyway. Let’s just cut to the chase (literally) and be done with it.

Carrying the rock world on his shoulders

Rock star Bono had emergency surgery on his back last week for a sudden back injury. I suspect the injury comes from trying to carry too much of the Rock world's responsibilities on his shoulders. Has Rock music ever been in such a lull since its inception? I mean, do you ever remember hoping that a Chevelle song would come on the radio? I thought maybe Alice and Chains would be our savior, but it turns out that they now just sound like a band that doesn't have a lead singer. With the passing of Ronnie James Dio, I fear that there is no one left to carry the torch. This is a call for help... If Elvis, Jim Morrison or Jimi Hendrix faked their deaths and are still around, WE NEED YOU BACK NOW!

Draw Chi Chi!

Legendary golf pro Chi Chi Rodriquez and his wife were the victims of a strong-arm robbery in which about a million dollars worth of items were stolen. Fortunately for the robbers, Rodriguez wasn’t able to draw his putter-sword from its holster and defend his honor and kill them in the act.

Speaking of morons with swords… In Spain, scientists have finally cloned a fighting bull after years of efforts. Unfortunately they were not able to clone a brain for the Matadors. Look, I’m not Mr. PETA or anything, but is there any more cruel treatment of any animals anywhere in the world? Bull fighting is nothing short of barbaric. How about we kill a couple of Spaniards that way?

Pakistan has blocked Facebook due to the “Draw Mohammed Day.” To get themselves unblocked, how about they just make it “Draw a closed minded idiot day?” Any thoughts?

To BP or not to BP

According to financial experts, the price of crude oil has dropped 20% in the past two weeks. The very same blowhard experts are now predicting for gasoline prices to drop. 20% right? Wrong! The predicted drop in gas prices is between 5%-7%... Now just wait one goddamn minute! Let me get this straight… First you assholes fuck up the Gulf of Mexico with a horrific oil spill, oil prices still drop considerably and prices barely budge? What gives? I’ve got a good idea… hows about everybody boycott BP? It’s not like they don’t deserve it anyway, so you can do it with a clean conscience. After boycotting BP for a couple of weeks, they will have to lower prices to try to get some business back. After BP lowers their prices, boycott every other gasoline company until they lower prices as well. Is there any chance of this working at all? I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to try. Repeat after me: No more BP! (until they lower prices) Nothing like a little conviction, eh?

Ridin' Dirty

Do me a favor, if you are over the age of 25 and/or have kids, take the goddamn big ass rims off of your car and put on some normal ones. I don’t know if you realize this or not, but I use your rims that cost more than your car to identify the assholes on the road. What exactly are you trying to prove with your spinners that cost $5,000 carting your metallic green Buick LaSabre around? Look, if you are a 22 year old kid, you’re supposed to be acting like an asshole, more power to you, but if you are a parent, please stop teaching your kids to be morons as well… Actually, maybe I do kind of like the rims. They are like a neon sign that reads: “I’m about to cut you off.” On second thought, leave them on…

In Yahoo’s odd news there is a study that shows that the touch of a woman can cause you to be persuaded and change your behavior… No shit! What moron decided that this was a study worthy topic? Can’t you just look at empirical evidence through the annals of time and figure this out on your own? In fact, I’d say that a woman’s touch is the only thing that affects men’s behavior… Think about it.

In Pennsylvania, the ACLU is fighting for citizen’s rights to use profanity, let’s hope for my sake that they win…

Have you heard about the Muslim group that wants to put a Mosque at the site of the World Trade Center? I have a good idea too. How about we erect a giant statue of a Swastika in a Jewish neighborhood in Warsaw? How about that? Are you kidding me? A Mosque at ground zero? Okay, I realize that not all Muslims are evil, in fact most of them aren't, but does this sound like a good idea to anyone? I'm sure that the Muslim group was trying to help by showing that they are as appalled as anyone about 9/11, but I don't think this is the right way to go about it. You see, in the sensitivity training that is now madatory for all Americans, they teach you that it isn't important what your intentions are, but how your actions will be recieved by other groups. For instance; calling a bunch of terrible black students terrible may be intended by you to light a fire under their asses and get them to achieve higher standards, but the black students will take it as an insult to their intelligence and call it racist. I actually do have a better idea for what should be put at ground zero. American Indians have suffered horrible trasgressions at the hands of the round eyes throughout American History and yet they continue on as a people. They have tried to educate themselves and prosper by constructing infrastructure that will help their people for decades to come. We should take a page out of their book and do the same: build a casino.

Be all you can BP

Over the weekend BP tried to stop the leaking oil in The Gulf of Mexico by lowering a dome down onto the well in hopes of collecting the oil and stopping the spillage. It didn’t work because of ice crystals forming on the apparatus. Fine, I understand that there may have been some unforeseen problems with the dome, but what took it so goddamn long to find this out? The oil rig explosion happened nearly two weeks ago, what took them so long to get the dome there in the first place? I’ve seen glaciers move faster. Why wasn’t the Army or National Guard called in to transport this dome quicker? Doesn’t the destruction of about a quarter of the shoreline count as a national issue? Here is how it should have gone: rig blows up, BP calls the President, the President calls the Army and the Army figures out a way to get this dome in place in 48 hours or less. Whether the Army has to take the dome apart and transport it on cargo planes or they put it on some big ass ship the moves fast, you order them to get the job done. Regardless of how you feel about our giant military, the bottom line is this; they get shit done. They take orders and the get shit done. If this had been put in the Army’s hands, this would have been over for a week already and we could have been tallying up the bill that BP should receive. Someone please tell me that they are paying for this, right?

Closer to Drunk

Don’t know how many people watch “The Office.” I think it is a pretty good show, not necessarily because it is funny, but because of the characters. What guy can’t identify with Jim Halpert at some point in his life? Jilted by a woman and running from your feelings, the good guy eventually prevails. In a recent re-run I watched, Jim and Andy sing a drunken version of “Closer to Fine” from the Indigo Girls. Who would have thought that two women of questionable orientation would provide such a perfect anthem for the lost souls? I have to wonder who on the staff of the writing team suggested a song that was never especially popular and is way out of date for this episode. I guess this particular writer has felt along the same lines as I have, for after all, the less I seek my source (answers) the closer I am to fine. I remember when I got to see the Indigo Girls for free one night in Tallahassee. I walked into the theater and took my seat and the first song they played was “Closer to Fine.” Big mistake. I bolted as the last note of the song was still ringing. How is it that a couple of mediocre musicians and songwriters can come up with such a great song? Oh well, I guess I can replace the video in my head of the two broad shouldered chicks singing it with Jim Halpert falling over drunk mumbling it out.

Full Housed

I was watching TV with my 10 year old daughter the other day. She had on Nickelodeon and the network was showing some re-runs of the sitcom “Full House.” Apparently, our senses of humor have evolved greatly in the past couple of decades. Believe me; I am used to my daughter watching shows that are very basic and not very funny. That is what she is supposed to be watching at age 10. Some of these shows like “Drake and Josh” and the like were made for pre-teens and were designed for non-sophisticated senses of humor. “Full House” can’t use this excuse. It was on in prime time on a major network and got relatively good ratings. The only reason that I can even fathom that this show was successful was the fact that it was on pre-cable or at least pre-cable as we know it today. Remember when there were only 3 or 4 channels that your TV could even get? On top of that, in order to change the channel, you had to get up and walk up to the TV and manually turn a dial. Usually, you had to mess with the antenna to try to get good reception of the new channel. I’m guessing that the only reason some of these shows ever made it past the first episode was this lack of choice. Watch an episode one time, I dare you…

In Philadelphia this week, a 17 year old kid that ran onto the local MLB team’s field was hit by a taser shock in order to get him off of the field. Of course the pussy-ass sissies of the world are up in arms about excessive use of force by law enforcement. What else is new, these fags never pass up a chance to whine about anything. I do agree with them that a taser should not have been used, by all means, they should have gone Rodney King on this punk and beat the piss out of him with some night sticks. I guess that is what they want to have happened. To all of you whiners that complain about the police using tasers, you are right; the cops should go back to shooting people more often. If you are a threat to another person or the police, I ask the cops just to skip the taser and move directly to the 9mm. Look, I am as distrusting of the cops as the next guy, but if they are going to take so much heat for using tasers, they might as well just be shooting to kill. And to the people that would try to make this a racial issue, blow me… I love the guys that start to yell about racism when no mention of color or ethnicity was ever mentioned. What, you have a guilty conscience? And another thing… How about you don’t get so goddamn fat that your heart can’t take a tasering? I bet about 95% of the people that go into cardiac arrest from a taser are 50lbs overweight and their heart is taxed to the limit anyway from carting their fat ass around. It’s called a salad tubby!

Gay Spray

Researchers at the Journal of Neuroscience have found a nasal spray that will make males as empathetic as women. You see, the spray contains the hormone oxytocin which apparently is the hormone that triggers women’s brains to understand and feel what other people are thinking. I guess you just spray this stuff up your nose and for the next two hours, a male can be as sensitive as any female ever was. Look, I think it is great that they are trying to make men more feminine, but why go to all of this trouble? Just have a guy throw on some Capri pants and he will be much more feminine and hopefully a little more sensitive.

On CNN.com today, I read a story entitled “How We Became White.” Don’t bother reading it, I know how we became white… pretending like we like jazz.

Los Angeles Deputy Police Chief Mike Downing reported that a suspect escaped from a home raid “Jason Bourne” style. The suspect jumped out of a second story window and fled from police. Well, Mr. Downing, being the head of the Counter Terrorism Bureau, hows about you catch that fucker “Jack Bauer” style?

Does anyone else think that it is weird that the spell check on Word is cool with “Jason Bourne” and “Jack Bauer”?