Thank God for Global Warming!

This week, the north east part of the country experienced freezing temperatures and over 20 inches of snow in some parts. I wonder how bad it would have been if it wasn't for global warming? Would 40 inches of snow had fallen? Fortunately, I heard a report that global warming scientists were able to get their data collecting thermometers out of the area before they froze with one scientist reported as saying, "we don't like to leave these babies in weather that is too cold, they might freeze." The thermometers were moved to a warmer area, like Haiti, so as to not get too cold.

Jew-Fro

Astronomers have definitively found water ice on some of the bigger asteroids between Mars and Jupiter. Bring Scotch.

When was the last time you heard about a tourniquet? It seems like they were you’re first line of first aid 20 to 25 years ago and now, I feel like they aren’t really around anymore. Does anyone know why? Have medical professionals decided that they do more harm than good?

Jerry Seinfeld’s wife (who cares what her name is) has been thwarted at her attempt to publish a cookbook that gave tips on how to slip vegetables into your kid’s food without them knowing about it… How about she write a book about how to cut your husband’s jew-fro without him knowing about it?

Hawking a Voice

President Obama was in West Virginia today to eulogize the 29 miners that were killed in the coal mine explosion and burial. Really? Does the President need to take time out of his job and fly himself to West Virginia with his entire Secret Service detail to say a few words at this funeral? Come on, thousands of people die every day in accidents around the country and many of them are while doing things that are relatively safe. Once you become a miner, don’t expect to be killed in an accident one day? What are the odds of you actually completing a career in mining and retiring with a pension from the mining company? About 1 in a 100? It probably cost a small fortune to transport the President there for some guys that were going to be killed in a mining accident eventually anyway. Let’s give it a rest…

Physicist Stephen Hawking announced that it would probably not be good for us to meet higher life forms. He compared what meeting E.T.’s would be like with the American Indians meeting European voyagers during the colonization of America. I’ve got one question for Hawking, what’s up with that voice box that sounds like the robot on Lost in Space? Come on already, I know for a fact that voice generation technology has advanced beyond that level. If you’re actually some big, important scientist, wouldn’t you have upgraded the technology in your computer? Not only could you make the voice sound more life-like, I bet you could probably customize it to sound like anyone you wanted. How about getting one that sounds like James Earl Jones when he is doing the voice for Darth Vader? Or Jack Bauer’s voice from 24? I bet you’d get a little more respect when you start barking out theories in Kiefer Sutherland’s voice. Maybe you could change voices to fit the situation. Maybe if your giving a lecture at Grambling, you could break of a little something ala Snoop Dogg. Or if you teach a class in Japan, you could do the voice of the neighbor in Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Just an idea, maybe when you take a break from thinking about black holes, you could give it some thought.

Archie!!

The radical Islamic group known as Revolution Muslim has made some threats toward the creators of the cartoon South Park. It seems that on a South Park episode, the Muslim prophet Mohamid (I don’t care if it is spelled right) is depicted as a character which in the Islamic religion is considered blasphemous. The group then warned the show’s staff that they could end up being killed for this. Why don’t we start arresting some of these idiots? Isn’t this hate speech? Isn’t this assault? Don’t people get locked up for less? I have nothing against Islam; I don’t care what religion anyone practices, but when the retarded, radical extremists start making threats, its time to do something about it.

Former Poison front man, Bret Michaels had some kind of brain hemorrhage the other day… Since I always considered Poison’s songs a major cause of personal brain injury, what comes around goes around. Am I too soon with this?

So, Kevin Keeler is the new addition to the Archie comic book. What is unusual about this is that Mr. Keeler is an openly gay character. I guess no one should be surprised since anyone that is older than six that reads Archie is admitting that he is gay. The only real surprise about this story is that Archie is still in print? Who the hell reads Archie anymore?

IR Ass

Sherry Lynn Vertoch was sentenced in California for impersonating a Federal Agent and racking up a $55,000 bill at a hotel. She reportedly told the hotel managers that she was an IRS agent and implied that if she was not allowed to stay at the hotel that there might be tax implications for the owners. To be honest with you, I have no idea where to start with this one… Do I comment on the fact that the hotel staff is so absolutely terrified of the IRS that they allowed this woman to run up this enormous bill? Is it OK for people to be this terrorized by their own government that fear would drive them to be this stupid? The perpetrator was forced to pay back the money that she extorted from the hotel. What about the money that the IRS extorts from citizens every day? I’m sure their crimes by far outrank those of Vertoch’s by far. The income tax audit and the threat of it has been used as a weapon by the government since the days of Al Capone. Until the income tax has been done away with and replaced by a usage tax, the government will continue to wield their weapon with reckless abandon. Unfortunately, Obama’s spending will make sure that the income tax is here to stay.

WTF part 10568

I was reading a story about a guy in California who murdered a couple of young girls recently. Police made a deal with him; he would show them where the remains of one of the girls were and the police agreed not to use that information in court against him. Now, he did plead guilty to the two murders and will spend the rest of his life in jail with no chance for parole, but he won’t be facing the death penalty. My question is this; why didn’t the district attorney just make a fake deal with the guy and then go ahead and use the information anyway? I understand that the criminal has a lawyer and whoever perpetrated the lie would probably be charged with contempt or something, but who cares? What jury is going to convict you for that crime? Break your agreement! Lie to him! And to all of you bleeding heart, liberal pussies that are going to try to tell us that “that makes us no better than the criminals that we are trying to prosecute’” your wrong. It does make us better, we didn’t kill anyone. Believe me, if it was me that had to lie to this animal in order to get a conviction, I could do so with a clear conscience and go home and sleep like a baby that night. In fact, I would celebrate with a few glasses of champagne on the day his was executed, take a shit on his grave the second he was in the ground and pray that I had the worst diarrhea of my life. Believe me, I am all for protecting the constitution in that criminals have rights and everyone is innocent until proven guilty, but when you lead police to a corpse, you have proven yourself guilty. You now have forfeited your rights as an American citizen. I guess all I can do now is pray that some big biker sticks a toothbrush that’s been fashioned into a weapon into his lung. Please, someone who is already in jail for life, kill this idiot and regain a shred of your own dignity. Do what the government in incapable of and mete out some justice.

In the Zona

GE made over $10 Billion this year and paid $0 in income tax to the U.S. Why? You see, GE made the money in other countries. Why? The U.S. is simply not a company friendly zone. Unions, taxes and other governmental controls have forced numerous companies to other countries. The next time someone tells you that we should tax big corporations more to pay for Obama’s spending, punch them right in the goddamn nuts as hard as you can…

Arizona is about to pass a new state law allowing state and local police to deal with illegal immigrants. The opposition opposes it saying that all “non-whites” will be new targets of racial profiling. Are these morons that fucking dumb? What does “non-whites” mean to them? I promise you, no one will be after any Asians or blacks with this law. Sneaking across the border is a crime, why can’t we treat it as such? The next time a cop pulls me over for a speeding ticket; can I cry and whine that it would be unfair for him to enforce the law? I’ll give it a try.

New Poll

I have a new poll on the site. If you get a chance, let me know what you think... In the last poll, it was clear that all of you think global warming is a hoax. Thanks for voting.

The Retarded Gene

I had to laugh my ass off this morning. There was an article in the newspaper about an Eagle’s nest that fell to the ground yesterday and killed one baby Eagle and injured another. I am praying that the injured one dies as well. Think I hate animals? Think again. The story explained that the nest fell because it was unstable and not able to support the weight of the Eagle family that roosted there. The interesting detail that was glossed over until the very end of the story: about a week ago, some retards from the Audobon Society had taken another Eagle baby that had been found elsewhere and had put it into the nest in the hopes that it would be adopted by the Eagles living there. When are these idiots going to realize that they do much more harm to nature than good when they interfere with things like this? So here I sit, praying for the death of this other Eagle so that perhaps, finally, people will keep there noses in their own business. Has anyone ever heard of natural selection? Maybe the other Eagle fell out of its nest because it was the weakest of the species and Mother Nature didn’t want the “weak” gene being passed down into other generations. It reminds me of when sandal wearing dorks try to push beached whales back into the sea. Has anyone ever thought that maybe there is a reason whales beach themselves? What if they have some kind of disease or something that they don’t want to spread to other whales? Maybe it is just Mother Nature’s way of eliminating the “bad navigation” gene from the species and by pushing the whale back into the sea, you are reintroducing this gene back into the species. Several generations from now, every whale may have this disability and the species will be eliminated entirely. You must realize that these people only do these things for their own self image, right? Just do me a favor, keep texting while you drive your car, Mother Nature may help eliminate your “retarded” gene from our species.

Americonia

What I can’t figure out is why the United States doesn’t get on Russia a little more than we do. Just because the USSR lost a few states to revolution and changed their name to Russia, doesn’t mean that these people aren’t largely responsible for most of the communist regimes in the world today. Take a look at China, would they be the communist threat to us that they are today if the Soviet Union had never existed? I doubt it. Instead of harping over bygones though, why don’t we pull something similar? Since our national debt is an unimaginable number at this point, why don’t we use this method to get out of it? Here’s the plan: we ditch a couple of states or territories that aren’t real important to us, I suggest Guam and Arkansas or something, and then change our name to something like Americonia and tell everyone that we are a different country. Any one that we owe money to; will just have to suck an egg. I think it is a very simple and plausible plan if you ask me. Maybe if there was someway we could frame Canada and make them pay our bills, we won’t have to go through all of this paperwork, but until someone comes up with that plan, I think this one is best.

How Many Polacks...

Question: How many Polacks does it take to land a passenger jet on a foggy runway?
Answer: Apparently more than were on the plane that crashed is western Russia yesterday.

The FDA has issued a warning that the chemical triclosan which is an antibacterial agent found in a growing number of liquid soaps, hand sanitizers and dish washing liquids. It seems that studies have shown that triclosan may disrupt the body’s endocrine system and help create antibiotic resistant bacteria. For all of you people that coat yourselves in hand sanitizer and spend hours each day washing your hands, this is God’s way of punishing you. By screwing with your endocrine system, God is going to make you pay by getting fat. I never really put it together before, but do fat people have cleaner hands? By the way, there is absolutely no evidence that antibacterial soaps have any benefit whatsoever. You’re making yourself sick for no reason by washing your hands too much…

Ocho

A couple of days ago, the governor of The Commonwealth of Virginia declared April to be Confederacy month. First off, I don’t give a damn if Virginia likes it or not, drop this “Commonwealth” bullshit already. You are a goddamn state you morons. Quit being elitists. Anyway, everyone was up in arms that when Governor McDonnel made the declaration, he didn’t also condemn slavery. Ok, I’ve had it. Look, slavery was an unfair and terrible thing that happened in our country a couple hundred of years ago, but do we need to keep harping on it now? Drop it already. On both sides. First, declaring a Confederacy month is kind of like having a “Nazi” celebration in Germany. The other side isn’t much better, haven’t they ever been taught that if you ignore morons, they will eventually go away? What is with all of this hate and vitriol? Both of you, knock it off and grow up! I’m tired of reading about both of your retarded groups always acting up and making spectacles about yourselves. You remind me of two five year olds in the back seat of a station wagon whining like a couple of little bitches that “he started it!” Meanwhile, I’m going to keep my eyes on the road and turn the radio up so that I can’t hear either of you and take a big swig of my Schlitz tallboy; the fifth out of my six-pack. If you don’t stop soon, I’m turning this car around…

Hey (read Harry Carey), what if Chap Ocho Sinco were to be traded to a team where someone already had the number 85? Would he have to change in name again to something like Ocho Quatro? Also, what if someone changes his last name to “RodgerGoddellSucksAss?” Would he be allowed to wear that on the back of his uniform? On a more serious note, why hasn’t Nike paid someone to change his last name to “Nike?” It seems like a slam-dunk. I can’t imagine that it is far off when you’ll see Peyton Reebok throwing touchdown passes to Reggie Gatorade…

Doin' the Deuce

Screech fans unite! Reports are that Dustin Diamond, who played the character known as Screech on the series Saved by the Bell, is getting his house foreclosed on for not paying his mortgage. Diamond has been in financial trouble before and has appealed to his fans to help him out financially. Fans? This guy has fans? As I recall, Saved by the Bell was one of the crappiest shows on television of all time and Diamond was the worst of the bad actors on it! This guy had absolutely no talent whatsoever and here is how I know that I’m right; he hasn’t gotten a job since. Here is the only measure of how good an actor you are; you get jobs after you have had your first big job. That’s it. That’s the only measure. If you get jobs after you’ve been on a major show, you are a good actor. If you don’t get any jobs, you suck. I can say this with certainty, Dustin Diamond sucks. I know that you may have fond memories of him, but don’t be fooled. The reason you do think well of him is simply because he might be a part of your past. It’s like if you go to visit your old house that you grew up in 20 years later, even if you thought it was a great house, you realize that is sucks. Remember how great the movie Star Wars was when you were 13? When you watch it now, you realize that it is a kid’s movie with a simplistic plot. Don’t let nostalgia make you think that Diamond was anything but a shitty actor that somehow lucked into one job and hasn’t made one goddamn cent in the business since. Why am I hearing about this on CNN? Go away Diamond, if you promise to leave us alone, we promise to leave you alone. Oh wait, we already have.

After hearing about airlines that are going to charge people $20-$45 for a carry on, there are reports of the airlines considering charging people to use the restroom on the plane. I don’t fly like I used to, but if I do fly, who says that I need to use the restroom? I don’t see any problem at all with bringing on a gallon jug to relieve myself if I need to take a whiz, for free. I am sure it won’t be long until some drunk guy without any pocket change drops a deuce in the seat next to his. How much does it cost to carry on my own toilet paper?

Jesus Shakes Things Up!

Earthquakes in California on Easter? I wonder if that is some sort of sign or something. I mean, we all know that California is going to hell in a hand basket; maybe Jesus decided today would be the day to rock the boat over there. Maybe it isn’t such a bad plan.

If we eat turkey dinners on Thanksgiving, why don’t we eat rabbit on Easter? Seems like a slam dunk, doesn’t it? I basically only eat turkey one day a year; why not eat rabbit on one day as well? I still can’t figure out how rabbits lay eggs for coloring…

I just added a feed on this blog site. The feed is headlines from The Onion which is one of my favorite websites. I kind of think of the work they do at The Onion very similar to what Weird Al Yankovic does with music only with newspapers instead… Read up!

Working Overtime

In Tarpon Springs, Florida, there was a shooting at a Publix food store. It seems that a woman that had just been fired returned with a 9mm gun and went Jack Bauer on a former co-worker. The story unfolds like this; the co-worker that was killed had indicated to the shooter that he was going to report the woman for a breach of company policy. The woman told the would be dime-dropper that if he did report her and get her fired that she would kill him. The victim in question made the report to his superiors, got the woman fired and eventually was shot and killed. Now, when I originally heard the story, I was upset that any person would come back to the store and use a gun to kill someone just because he reported her doing misdeeds at the store. I thought to myself, “what a tragedy, I wonder what he was going to report her for? Stealing? Rudeness to customers?” I really felt for this victim of this shooting. Imagine getting killed just because you reported a criminal to you managers! I then found out what was so important that he had to report to his boss. You see, the woman had been committing the horrifying offense of… working off of the clock. Yep, that’s right; she was too dedicated to her job. She cared too much about her work. Let’s see if I have this straight, an employee is so dedicated to her work that she wanted to get something done properly and didn’t feel as if her employer should pay for her time. This jackass co-worker of hers then decides to brown-nose a little bit and report her for giving up her personal time to help out her employer. Publix then fires her; I’m not so much upset with Publix because let’s face it, Publix is worried about liability. It just would have been nice for the manager to give her a little warning instead of canning her. I mean, don’t you want employees like this? People that are exceedingly loyal to your company? Let me tell you something; I’m not happy this rat-fink mother fucker is dead, but I do think he deserved a solid ass-kicking. I think that it is a shame that the woman that did the shooting wasn’t a good sized dude that returned and beat the piss out of this little puss instead of killing him dead, but I ultimately think he deserved it. The lesson to be learned here: mind your own fucking business. If someone is stealing or causing harm, you can report them. If someone is working off of the clock, shut the fuck up and keep your eyes on your own work. My number one question is; when does this woman get out of jail? I need a good employee, and I promise, I won’t fire you for working for free.

April Fool's

I am not sure if other people experience the same thing as I. On the first of April, I have to add a "no, this isn't a joke" to just about everything I say and do. Perhaps it's because of my past transgressions in jokery. It has come to the point now that the best joke that I can play on the people that I know is not to call them at all with some story about my being in jail or something. I envision most of the people that I know thinking about how they are going to reply to my call. My best one ever is still the time I set all of the clocks in the house forward by half an hour and my wife showed up at work a half an hour early. I don't know that I will ever top that one, but I'm going to try soon.

I heard about the announcement that Ricky Martin made finally admitting that he is a homosexual. In related news, Shaquille O'neal made an announcement that he is tall. I guess the burden of that secret had been eating away at him for years. Seriously, did anyone ever doubt that Ricky Martin is gay? Maybe women were fooled, I don't know of any male that was.