Hello Spongebob, I'm Adam

Scientists in Australia have discovered that humans share about 70% of their DNA with sea sponges. I guess that explains the whole “Sponge Bob, Square Pants” thing…

I hope all of you are prepared for a zillion hurricanes to start hitting the US in the next couple months. Well, weathermen predicted that this would be one of the worst hurricane seasons ever due to global warming so the storm gods had better get cracking… they have a lot of making up to do!

Why do we even have weathermen? How often are they right? Here’s something to think about; if you had a job and you were constantly wrong, wouldn’t you start losing sleep over it at some point? Could you repeatedly give people bad information day in and day out and still have a clear conscience? Or is it possible that weathermen just realize that they are in a business like fortune telling… it is sort of a hocus pocus half science already so who gives a crap if you are wrong? They may have the least amount of stress of anybody if they can look at it like that. If you are a psychologist, you could probably make a fortune just dealing with weathermen. You could specialize in “I’m always wrong” syndrome and run a support group for them… just a thought.

Slippery Slope

Where is the oil? I just read an AP (my favorite news outlet) article about the Gulf oil spill and experts cannot find where all of the oil that has leaked out has gone. Sure, there is some oil on the shores and a little on the water, but the experts said that there was 180 million gallons of oil that spewed from the broken well. About 30 million gallons were skimmed from the water by barges and 11 million was burned up in fires. That should mean that there is about 140 million gallons that should still be floating around the Gulf of Mexico, but isn’t. Here is a thought; what if the amount of oil that escaped into the sea was exaggerated by tree hugging retards that overreact to anything that happens on the planet? You may be shaking your head feverishly saying that something like that couldn’t happen, but could it? Do you actually believe anything that you read in a newspaper or see on television anymore? Just as I suspected all along, the “disaster” isn’t as disastrous as it was made out to be… The newsmen just found a couple of birds that had some oil on them and took a few pictures to sell some copies. Let this be a lesson to all of you: never trust a newsman, they are all assholes.

Off Duty

I heard the other day that this is the warmest year on record the Earth has ever had. Unfortunately, I also heard that is the coldest winter on record for much of the southern hemisphere… Hmm.
I was driving today and saw a cop car traveling down the road. The unusual thing about this particular car is that there were two sun shades pulled down to obscure the driver and passenger windows. On the outside of the shades was the sign, “Not on duty.” So what exactly are you telling me here? If I am getting robbed and this squad car drives by, is the officer going to just ignore me? Why is there a police car driving around that is ever out of service? I remember a few years ago, police officers of a local community were lobbying to be allowed to drive their police cruiser home at night. They reasoned that the additional police presence would help prevent crime in the neighborhoods in which they lived. I tend to agree with that, but the cops can’t have their cake and eat it too. If they are going to be able to drive their cruisers home, then for as long as they are in those cruisers, they are never off duty. Now, I don’t need to see these cops going from home to work pulling over cars for going 10 miles over the speed limit, but why do you need to put out a sign telling speeders that you are off duty? Let’s let people assume that they are on duty. When I saw this cop, I was tempted to fly by him way over the speed limit and see if he was really off duty… I should have tried it out.

An open letter to Jesse Jackson

Dear Mr. Jackson,

No one gives a shit about you any more. Please stop making an ass of yourself just to try to get publicity. When the owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers criticized Lebron James for leaving the team, he made no statements or implications about the race of any individual involved in the situation, much less call James a ‘runaway slave’ as you put it. Please stop claiming that you are working for harmony between the races when, in fact, you are doing the complete opposite just to try to gain your celebrity back. Look, you were relevant at one point and you no longer are. The sooner that you admit this to yourself, the sooner we can stop paying attention to retards like yourself and actually work towards the end of all racial problems. Look, I actually don’t mind you pulling your antics; this is America and everyone has the constitutional right to act like a little pussy, but please don’t perpetrate that you are working for the good of anything. I wish that you could be man enough to just come clean about the fact that you are nothing but a whiny little bitch that wears clown shoes and expects everyone to find you important. I’m sure that Lebron James doesn’t need your help; he seems to be doing just fine on his own and as for being a slave, not many slaves had the bank account that James has. You are insulting every black American that had an ancestor that suffered through slavery by even insinuating that James’ plight is any where near the equivalent of any slave. Just stop it.

Thank you very much,
White and Black America

AP, you're the man!

Here is an AP headline on the wire today: “Fireworks to highlight July 4th celebrations.” That, ladies and gentlemen, is just a sample of the hard-hitting stories that you will find on the AP wire. Is it any wonder that the AP is one of the biggest and most prestigious news agencies in the world today? How do they do it? Is anyone else getting tired of these assholes that call themselves news agencies? Seriously, can anyone believe that this story is anything but a space filler? This leads me to ask another question; if all you are doing is filling space, isn’t there anyone out there that could do it more creatively? At least make things interesting for me… Writing a 10 paragraph story about how fireworks will be a part of the July 4th holiday, just make something up. Come up with some story like The National Enquirer used to. Make up some story about a three headed kid or something. If news agencies are worried about their credibility as reporters, they shouldn’t because as far as I’m concerned, they have none anyway. If you are the type of person that believes everything that the AP tells you, you are an idiot. I don’t believe about 75% of what I read from the AP anyway, so they may as well make what they write entertaining. To be honest with you, I trust The Onion more than I trust the AP. I guess the bottom line is this; bullshit me all you want, just make it funny. Oh, by the way, I heard that there were some July 4th cookouts where people might be drinking some beer; you had better send a reporter.

Check out our guns!

The Supreme Court ruled today that the Chicago law banning all handguns is unconstitutional. The Court said that the ban went too far by not allowing citizens to have a weapon for self defense in their home. That is all fine and good, but doesn’t anyone else realize the problem with all of this? The problem is this; the constitution allows the right to bear arms not for the reason of self defense, but rather as weapons that could be potentially be used against the government in the case of the government overstepping its boundaries. How many times have you heard the idiot that whines about people owning assault rifles? “What do you need an assault rifle for? You don’t use an AK-47 for hunting; you only use it for killing people.” That’s right, that is what an assault rifle is for, killing people. When the government starts screwing up, it is the duty of an American Citizen to rise up and destroy the oppressive government. Now, most people feel as though they are better off living in the current United States than starting a rebellion and possibly getting killed in the process, but that is what the second amendment is for, not self defense. My stance is this; as long as you are not a felon, have as many guns of any type that you want. I don’t care. To all of you gun proponents; stop screwing up the argument by bringing in the self defense angle. If you allow that to enter your argument, people will refute your position. The second amendment allows you to have guns for one reason; shooting government oppression right between the eyes.

Justice??

On April 1st of this year, 9-year-old Chase Brubaker was killed on the Disney property when his bicycle veered off of the sidewalk and into the wheels of a Disney bus. After a month long investigation, the driver of the bus was cleared of any wrong doing and allowed to return to work. The Florida Highway Patrol says that the boy’s bike had flat tires before the accident and that is what caused him to go out of control and into the side of the bus. Believe me, I have two kids myself and would never wish losing a child on anyone, but here is where my problem begins. The parents of the boy say that they believe that Chase was a safe child and that he was even wearing a helmet. They claim that he would not have hit the bus and that Disney is at fault. This is the ultimate example of parents not admitting that their child can do any wrong. Let’s face it; kids make mistakes, that’s what makes them kids. These mistakes are what parents should be using to teach their children about life. The worst mistake a parent can make is to enable their kid’s bad behavior and thus not allow them to learn any lessons. I have a feeling that if parents were a little more into actually parenting their children rather than making excuses for them, the world would be a much better place. It is very unfortunate for this particular family that Chase will not be able to learn from his mistake, but the principals remain the same; your child made a mistake. I understand that the parents are under a giant amount of stress and pain and I can’t really hold them responsible for all of their comments, but their attorney is another matter. After the report came out, the family’s attorney commented “Chase’s parents are devastated and they will be pursuing justice against Disney.” Is there anyway that I can hire Jay-Z or someone to cap this idiot? What kind of stupid comment is that? If you are just looking for money, then just say so, quit acting like you are “looking for justice.” Karen Terry, the attorney, is an embarrassment to the human race. I hope you fucking die and burn in hell for all eternity.